IF LOOKS
COULD KILL
Anatomy of a Borderline
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
My
other articles on Borderline Personality Disorder speak to elements
in the Borderline that seduce you and keep you enraptured, despite
their push-pull emotional gymnastics, disruptive come here/go away
cycles, and confusing, crazy-making behaviors. This piece exposes
the volatile and frightening dark side of this individual who has
gotten you under their spell and won't let go, but also uncovers
the root cause of these issues. There's a comprehensive
list of features/traits below, which can help you determine if you're
involved with someone who has BPD--or serve as a self-diagnostic
tool.
While
many BPD people have killer looks, not all Borderlines
are beautiful or handsome--but that doesn't make them any less seductive
or diabolical. It's much easier for a great looking man or woman
to find continuous streams of narcissistic supply via adulation
and romantic pursuit from others, and until this ego fuel
isn't obtainable, they won't consider therapy. Why should they?
Humans don't change, until what they've been doing doesn't
work for them anymore--or they're in enough pain, to re-direct their
energies and efforts.
In
the midst of mending from these intoxicating but dangerous relationships,
dozens of men have described a terrifying "demonic" influence
that appears to inhabit their beloved when she's confronted with
her lying, manipulations and betrayals--or some sort of (minor)
infraction on their part, has catalyzed the most horrifying change
in her facial expression. Many have reported; "it's like sparks
flew out of her eyes," or "there's such a cold and hideous
mask" that showed up, they couldn't recognize the woman they've
loved so deeply. If looks could kill, they believe they'd
be dead after one of these episodes!
A
female client recently expressed that her (male)
borderline friend "looked like the Devil himself,"
during vitriolic rages where his terrible verbal abuses were spat
at her, like molten lava spewing from a (suddenly) active volcano.
Other times, she says his demeanor was very peaceful and "cherubic"--a
man you'd never suspect, was capable of such volatility.
But how does this facet of "pure evil" manifest in somebody
we've felt so close and loving with, just minutes or hours earlier?
Would they recognize themselves, if we held up a mirror when this
vile darkness overtakes them? Might they see the distorted face
of a rageful/punitive parent, instead of their own? (Is it what
you see?)
Jazz
singer/pianist Diana Krall epitomizes this issue in her song, Lost
Mind from the Love Songs album. Take a moment and listen.
The
duality of a Borderline is perhaps the most confounding issue one
faces at the onset of their courtship, and throughout the remainder
of this dance. Some folks have asked me whether MPD (Multiple Personality
Disorder) is a factor in their experiences with a Borderline, and
while 'dissociative identity' fits under the same BPD canopy that
houses a panoply
of other diagnosable issues, the Borderline vacillates between being
the either all-good or all-bad partner. Basically, there's no 'grey'
area with these individuals--which means they're frequently misdiagnosed
with Bipolar Disorder.
Mood disorders keep someone fluctuating between feeling extremely
depressed or elated (and/or agitated), during manic or hypomanic
episodes. Bipolar disorders frequently coexist with BPD--but
irrational jealousy, physical violence and other abusive interactions
are not part of a bipolar diagnostic picture!
As
for clinical
BPD terminology, 'splitting' isn't just an issue
that Borderlines demonstrate with you--they also experience it within
themselves. At times, they might view themselves as powerful, seductive,
brilliant beings. At other times, they'll feel worthless, unlovable,
invisible and defeated. During these periods, their own
lack of worth and sense of shame is projected onto you.
A
lot of folks apparently want you to believe that Borderlines aren't
capable of "regulating their emotions,"
and that's what causes the splitting reflex (or love you/hate
you stuff). While emotional dysregulation is a developmentally sound
postulate for young children, and a Borderline's emotional age echoes
that of a three year old, this presumptive theory isn't
quite accurate. Truth is, a Borderline can feel infatuation, which
is fleeting. Love is another matter altogether.
I'm
often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving,
and this appears to be a very central concern during the course
of these relationships--and afterward, when the discarded partner
needs to cling to the ideation that they were in
fact, truly loved. Borderlines
felt pain in relation to yearning and striving for their
parent's affection throughout childhood--and learned to interpret
these difficult/dramatic feelings as "Love." Chasing partners
who are emotionally or physically unavailable--or married/attached,
keeps this yearning vibrant, and inhibits them from embracing
a partner who's actually able to provide love on
a consistent basis. In short, when you satisfy
a Borderline's craving for love, those painfully intense
feelings associated with it, instantly evaporate.
This
individual does not understand why they wanted
you five minutes ago--but now you're simply an annoyance, and they
feel suffocated or bored. It's right about now, you're getting dropped
on your head--and thinking, what in the hell just happened?!
Borderline
personality disturbances have finally gathered more attention
and interest lately--and even the psychological community is speculating
about what spawns this disorder, and how to treat it. In truth,
very few folks who report about this issue have any experience with
healing it--nor do they have a sense of it's etiology. At its very
core, BPD is not a mental problem--it's an emotional one
that colors and distorts cognition. Healing from this disorder is
not just a function of the mind--it's a matter of the heart.
BPD
isn't something we're born with--nor is it inherited. It is not
due to an 'innate over-sensitivity' that leaves us at risk for acquiring
it as we grow into adulthood. While behavioral models of treatment
can help curb the volatile acting-out impulses, Borderline Disorder
can't be eliminated with modalities such as DBT (Dialectical Behavior
Therapy) that focus on the here and now--but don't address
infancy and childhood attachment issues and abandonment trauma,
which drive a litany of clinical and social concerns.
While
clinical
disorders can be inherited genetically, personality disorders
are sculpted by our earliest relational experiences. Those imprints
shape how we feel about ourselves, and determine the extent to which
we're able to forge trust in others (and Self). Much of BPD distress
occurs within the first year of life, due to inadequate bonding
or emotional attunement with Mother. These primal deficits usually
continue to influence self-worth and partner selection for a lifetime,
unless core-focused therapeutic help is obtained.
A
Borderline in treatment, yearns to make sense of their inner turmoil,
as it feels dysfunctional and shameful. Cognitive therapy alone,
can't provide the insights necessary to bring about compassion for
the Self, and help one grow to allow and trust a process that must
provide patient, nourishing, corrective re-parenting, along with
emotional education that fosters self-actualization.
The
intensely confusing and paradoxical behavior patterns of the Borderline
are simply defenses that were adopted growing up, in order to survive
these kinds of experiences in their childhood home. You might say,
the Borderline is actually showing you, what he or she
had to contend with as a little kid.
These
types of events are deeply troubling and confounding to a small
child, who is supposed to learn how to make sense of his/her life
experiences from their parents. But if the parents are
screwed up/inept, and they're constantly sending confusing/conflicting
messages to their child, what chance does this kid have, to grasp
anything that resembles normal, healthy interaction?
If
one's foundational belief is that everyone who has real meaning
or value will abandon them, they'll orchestrate
their relationships in such a way, that they keep getting to be
right about it! This is called 'prophesy fulfillment.'
Due
to a Borderline's abandonment trauma early in life, he/she is compelled
to continually test you, and your love/devotion.
This individual has low self-esteem, and deep-down believes he/she
isn't worthy of receiving love. They usually pick partners
they sense will never leave them, which assuages their abandonment
concerns--but the 'testing phase' never actually ends. If they finally
succeed in making you leave, it's prophesy fulfillment!
If you stick by him/her no matter how poorly they treat you, they'll
continue taking you for granted, and their abusive behaviors never
stop.
When
you're involved with a borderline disordered individual, it's essential
to remember that you're dealing with a three year old
who's trapped inside an adult's body. Struggles in infancy and childhood
have stunted their emotional growth--which is why it's so tough
getting them to understand the gravity of important issues concerning
your relationship! You'll explain your perspective in as many different
ways as possible, hoping they'll finally comprehend why
their behaviors trouble you--and it either falls on deaf ears, or
gets distorted by them, to where you start believing you're
the one who's at fault.
Thousands
of frustrated partners/ex-partners of Borderlines have asked how
long it takes for these people to get better. Recovery depends on
the degree of their trauma, their commitment to
healing, and the methodology used to get them there. Again, this
is a developmental issue; how long might it take
a toddler to catch up to an adult's chronological emotional age?
Hard to say.
With
a Borderline, Love is a no-win situation. The more you reassure
them of your affection, fidelity and good intentions, the more they'll
try to prove you wrong for it. This is the tormenting paradox
of loving someone with BPD.
These
people are damaged and developmentally arrested, which drives a
lot of acting-out behaviors. The following traits are typical
of someone who could be considered to have borderline pathology:
*Unstable/rapidly-shifting
patterns of relating; hot/cold, come here/go away, push-pull dynamics.
*Quick/intense
involvement, premature conversations about living together, marrying
or choosing names for (future) children. Pregnancy
entrapment.
*Abandonment
issues; intense, irrational fears/concerns that you'll leave.
*Abusive
and rejecting emotionally, psychologically and/or physically.
*Addiction
to chaos and drama. Serene/harmonious periods are short lived.
*Anxiety
issues, Panic Disorder or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
*Attachment
fears, avoidant personality.
*Cognitive
distortion or thought disordered. Strangely incongruent responses
to your attempts to communicate openly, or problem solve.
*Commitment
phobic, disrupts/runs away from closeness and intimacy.
*Crazy-making
interactions. Poor comprehension skills, lacks common sense.
*A
desperate need for attention/approval from you and others.
*Deflects
confrontation by crying, raging or projecting
it back on you.
*Dissociated,
disconnected, shut-down, 'checked out' or numb.
*Drug,
alcohol and/or food abuse (eating disorders).
*Emotional
cut-off or withdrawal. Withholding affection and/or sex.
*Expects
you to be a mind-reader or mommy, and intuit his/her needs
(see 'transference' issue below).
*Extreme
jealousy; tries to separate you from all other
attachments.
*Inappropriately
flirtatious with others, even in your presence.
*Gaslighting;
makes you doubt your perceptions, or think you're going crazy.
*Guilting
and shaming you during and after the relationship; when anything's
gone wrong, it's always (supposedly) your fault.
*High-functioning
Borderlines might become psychotherapists (God help us),
due to never having resolved their own core
trauma issues.
*Highly
manipulative and controlling. Your sense
of identity and autonomy is compromised in a relationship with a
Borderline.
*Hoovering;
subtle or obvious attempts to re-engage you, suck you back into
their life, seduce and manipulate you, etc. BPD's use pitiful outcries
for help, or sneaky efforts to reach You through your kids, your
friends or relatives.
*Hypersexuality
or asexuality (non-sexual--especially after marriage).
*Infantile
behavior; tantrums, rageful outbursts, persistent baby-talk, etc.
*Infidelity,
extramarital sexual or emotional affairs, 'cheating' on
partner.
*Inflated
sense of self; grandiosity or false sense of entitlement.
*Kitchen-sinking;
during your relational upsets, they bring up everything (but the
kitchen sink) you've ever done 'wrong' and clobber you with it--whether
it was resolved at an earlier time, or not! This derails problem
solving.
*Lack
of remorse or empathy, unwillingness to own their mistakes/flaws.
*Lying
and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
*Mother
issues (often portrayed/couched
as "father" issues).
*Needy,
clingy or overly dependent. Can't tolerate aloneness.
*Only
wanting/loving you when there's distance--or they can't have
you.
*Paradoxical
emotional responses; when you love them more, they love you less.
The closer you get, the more they need to distance.
*Passive-aggressive;
acting it out, rather than talking it out.
*Pervasive
feelings of hopelessness, helplessness or pessimism.
*Physical
ailments/sickly, pain, allergies, diseases--even when very young.
*Poor
impulse control. Capable of volatile or violent behaviors. Vandalism.
*Poor
self-worth, insecurity, low self-esteem, self-loathing.
*Projection;
when they assign their own deficits/faults, to you.
*Rebound
relationships are extremely common (the bed never gets cold).
*Resolution
with interpersonal upsets is virtually impossible. Twisting your
words and distorting the facts is common, and the two of you keep
circling the drain with no end to the problem in sight. Your Borderline
may seem like they're comprehending the immediate concern,
and is on-board what you're trying to put forth--but this same issue
resurfaces next time a similar event occurs, and
you feel like you're replaying the same old broken record.
*Seductive/sexual
up until marriage, or the relationship gets solidified.
*Selective
memory or recall of events pertaining to their screw-ups. When it
comes to yours though, his/her mind is like a steel trap!
*Self-harm
or self-mutilation; cutting/burning skin, picking at blemishes until
there is significant damage to adjacent tissue, numerous piercings,
tattoos, body ornamentation, etc., poor or distorted physical image.
*Self-sabotage
in personal and/or professional realms.
*Sexual
molestation or incest in childhood (which may not be remembered).
*Sexually
assertive/aggressive. BPD females will usually initiate
romantic or sexual pursuit--unless they're Waifs.
*Significant
lapses in childhood memory.
*Splitting;
idealizing or devaluing behaviors, love you/hate
you, and black or white perceptions/ideations.
*Stalking;
following/shadowing you, incessant text or phone messages, etc.
Always checking in with you (and up on you). Suffocating/smothering.
*Suicidal
ideation and emotional blackmail; "I don't
want to go on living--I'll kill myself if you leave me/don't
return," etc.
*Transference
means your Borderline assigns the same features to you, that belonged
to his/her undermining parent or caregiver as a child. It's not
at all uncommon for them to expect you to be their mind-reader or
"mommy," and intuit their needs.
*Tricotillomania;
the ongoing compulsion to pull out facial hair (eyelashes, eyebrows,
etc.) or body hair. Considered a facet of self-mutilation.
*You'll
always have the feeling you can't please him/her, or have them know
how much you really love or care about them. The Borderline makes
you feel like you're never enough--no matter how
much you give, or do for them.
This
piece is a work in progress. Check back soon for more.
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