HAVEN'T
WE MET BEFORE?
The Borderline/Narcissist Couple.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
You've
probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn
to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I'll
try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little
insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity's sake, I discuss
female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly
be reversed, and may include same-sex unions--in fact, the prevalence
of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within
the gay community.
Relationship
issues are universal--and homosexual men and women struggle with
many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of
their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have
never met a lesbian who didn't have major issues with her mother--but
that's another article.
Many
people
who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern
of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling
at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing--yet
these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently,
"next time"). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon,
is to understand the basis for these unwise relational
choices, and that's what this piece attempts to address.
It's
critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality
disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their
developing sense of Self, and isn't it simply natural
to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or
who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction
is a lot like that--it feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.'
There's a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood
abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties
were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you--but
the scars from that time remain, unless there's been some serious
core-focused therapy.
Do
not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful
marriage. If they haven't resolved their respective childhood
traumas, they'll continually trample on each other's emotional
land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining
hopelessly enmeshed.
In
truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't
matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down
to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease,
and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity
works against him in this type of coupling, because he
has an unquenchable need to win,
due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by
anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than
he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control,
he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never
realizing what he's losing/giving up, while focusing on surmounting
this challenge.
It's
not terribly unusual for two people with borderline traits to
engage--and regardless of the psycho-babble you may have read
elsewhere, anyone who's actually done any work with borderlines
would know this. Still, this coupling presents a highly combustible
mix; their respective pathology draws them to each other--but
the mutual harm/damage that's sustained by both parties
in this type of dynamic is considerable. It should also be noted,
that a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited time,
will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to
proximal exposure. That's why we call their behaviors, "crazy-making."
THE
ROOT OF ALL EVILS
Core
injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy,
and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the
simplest of terms, core disturbance
means that the hub of your wheel is broken or damaged in some
fashion. When the very center of your being has been compromised,
all the spokes that emanate from that point, will be weak and
susceptible to breaking under any amount of pressure.
Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence. It influences
self-worth, and determines how we think about and take care of
ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.
The
Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits,
with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional
over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc.
The Borderline compensates for core deficits--but does
it with her well-worn ability to seduce,
for that is the only arena where she feels any true sense of mastery
or self-confidence.
Borderlines
grew up watching how their mothers behaved around men. They learned
how to be adorable and seductive, to manipulate people into giving
them what they wanted or needed. In short, they repeatedly observed
these tactics being deployed by a masterful teacher, and adopted
them. The son of a Borderline is usually attracted
to females who echo the traits he saw in his mother.
A
Borderline mother is often envious of her child's achievements/successes,
and could be flirtatious or seductive with her daughter's romantic
interests. She may have no compunctions whatsoever about stealing
boyfriends/lovers from her teenage or adult child. Competition
with her offspring might begin very early, and acutely influence/derail
the father-daughter bond.
A
variety of betrayals in childhood have deeply fractured a
Borderline's core, and psychic trauma from this period can't help
but seriously impact all adult relationship endeavors. Add to
this, the imprint from a narcissistic parent is retained, and
may be subconsciously sought after in adult attachments.
WHAT'S
LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
A
narcissistic partner is more likely to prompt his borderline lover's
defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement
catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however,
as while she's yearning for his attention and affection,
she experiences painful sensations that were once confused/entwined
with loving an unresponsive parent, and those
dramatic feelings are resuscitated--and equated with love.
Both
Borderlines and Narcissists associate Love with painful
longing. This is the crux of all those come here/go away
(push/pull) cycles with this couple, and a whole lotta country
western songs! Love equals pain, and vice-versa.
When
their intense craving for love is satisfied, the sensations
they've come to interpret as loving feelings, evaporate.
At this point, the Borderline feels bored or annoyed, and pushes
away. When her partner needs continuity of those dramatic
sensations, she experiences emotional claustrophobia.
When
closeness or engulfment fears become heightened/accentuated, either
partner can experience anxiety, which prompts their need to draw
back. The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissistic
perfectionist makes it his fault, and experiences shame.
This catalyzes his frantic efforts to win-her-over again.
It isn't that he's needing her--he's needing reprieve
from this toxic sense of unlovability/unworthiness (shameful remnants
from boyhood).
I'm
often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and this appears
to be a very central concern during the course of these relationships--and
afterward, when the discarded partner needs to cling to the ideation
that they were in fact, truly loved. Borderlines
felt pain in relation to longing and striving for their
parent's affection throughout childhood--and learned to interpret
these difficult/dramatic feelings as Love. Chasing partners who
are emotionally or physically unavailable--or married/attached,
keeps this yearning alive, and inhibits them from embracing
somebody who's actually able to provide love
on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly
attracted to someone who's slightly out of reach, for this eases
engulfment concerns (more about this, a bit further down). The
search for a partner who's able to magically surmount
this issue can continue for a lifetime--as the "right one"
never comes along.
It's
virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD
lover has no real capacity for love, as during the 'good times,'
he's felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these
feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict--for this
challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it's
supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly
influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference
in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring
and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents,
confirmed his sense that he was valued by them--but these episodes
were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This
early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional attraction
to a borderline disordered individual, as he can't painfully yearn
for someone who's consistently present and available! It
has also impaired his self-worth.
SO
THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS WE'VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO.
A
chameleon's coloring will change according to its surrounding
environment; this lizard's protective camouflage helps it capture
its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities
are chameleon-like--they'll quickly discern what's important to
you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship.
Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency
our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can
seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal
senses that they've captured you, their normal colors
return--and you're dealing with a different sort of creature.
The
molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate
growth--it's like outgrowing a T-shirt you wore as a child. Sadly,
personal growth is threatening to Borderlines, and underneath
their perfectly adoring veneer is a dark side they've hidden from
you, just long enough to get you hooked. Once you're really theirs,
this part emerges--and you spend the rest of your time in this
dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with that person
you fell for initially.
The
Borderline's captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore--particularly
for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are
often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger
women who've enlivened the Narcissist's sense of grandiosity,
along with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed
on the wife of many years--when it's actually just a symptom of
pre-existing intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass.
I think of ED more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems
with male physiology.
In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue--not
a physical one.
THE
TAMING OF THE SCREW
The
narcissistic
male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ's
enthusiastic response to the female who's awakened it from a deep
slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she's
responsible for his newfound sexual prowess--and as such, they're
meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though,
all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating. A
Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can't allow himself to
need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone
brings up deep fears about loss of love and control, and here's
where his distancing maneuvers can kick in. This is not
consciously held by the Narcissist--it's just an archaic defense
mechanism, that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.
A
healthy, whole woman might be disappointed to miss out on a phone
call from her lover, the morning after an especially close/loving
evening--but the borderline-disordered female interprets
the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and affection.
Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered. In self-defense,
she shuts down, rages or takes herself away. She has been poised
for this to happen anyhow--so she will imagine abandoning
behavior, even when/where it doesn't exist.
Now,
the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to
venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their
love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit
genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering
frantic, premature declarations of "love" from the Borderline.
Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and
irrepressible. The toxic shame that's catalyzed when her impulsivity
(in love) isn't reciprocated, is intolerable--so she shames her
partner via projections.
Sex
can be the glue holding these two together, while their respective
need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close.
This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling
behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally
naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable;
"what if he/she sees the real me, and leaves?"
Hypersexuality
in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses
it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes
that she can control lovers in this way. This facet is
magnified when there's been incest or sexual molestation during
her childhood, because she was made to feel 'special' by accommodating/catering
to an adult's prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably
linked to performance and will continue--especially with
rebound (or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty.
This issue was at one time, referred to as Nymphomania.
Your
coupling
may be sexually intoxicating--but that's generally because it
isn't 'safe' (or possible) to connect in other domains of this
relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled--and flows
wherever and however it can. Even fighting can
become a couple's only means of connecting.
WHEN
OPPOSITES ATTRACT . . .
Narcissistic
individuals are frequently People
Pleasers, which means they're passive-aggressive. They're
more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships,
which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood,
in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs
the least, is always the one in power--and the Borderline's
needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline
is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting
wants/needs, so she's the active partner in this dynamic.
The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having
needs, so he suppresses them; he's the passive partner.
Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions
for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner--or
the Borderline. She'll keep pushing the envelope until she gets
a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and
chaos, but rebels like a three year old when he takes a stand--even
though she requires the containment and comfort that
boundaries and limits provide.
ALL
RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON MUTUAL NEED.
A
Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself;
honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses
an uncanny ability for finding men who've built stable, flourishing
lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities
and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically
goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried;
when she discovers what's behind your props, she cleverly
uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain.
Decades ago, these women were referred to as gold-diggers or home-wreckers.
The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova
who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed
them blind.
When
a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist,
she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since
she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is
perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially
attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who's a
real 'traffic stopper'--so he's flattered out of his pants by
the Borderline's seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has
craved this type of attention his whole life--even though he's
never felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates
an intoxicating pattern that neither can resist.
Based
on a Borderline's level of emotional desperation, she may not
choose men who've attained significant acclaim, stability or success.
Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are
key to these attractions. Essentially, the greater
your need is for this female (sexually, emotionally,
psychologically or financially), the more easily she can keep
the upper-hand and control you--and it's always
about control for the Borderline.
Having
been raised by narcissistic people who couldn't respond to her
needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels
at home when she locates a partner who initially showers
her with adoration--but then retreats, or finds fault with her.
Girlhood longing for love was associated
with pain, so she's programmed to keep striving for that which
cannot be satisfied. Each disruption of loving attention
reactivates her core despair, so she settles for scraps of love,
that echo her early conditioning. A lover who's more
available or responsive, doesn't fit this paradigm--or inspire
her passionate response.
It's
impossible to avoid personalizing the Borderline's abusive
behavior--but her rage isn't about you. It's misdirected
feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt she's stored for a
lifetime--and couldn't express to Mom or Dad.
DRAMA
QUEENS AND PERFECT LITTLE PRINCES
The
narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can
perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities--and whom in some
manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment
concerns--but the flip-side of being needed, is being
engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey
with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because
while it's flattering, and mitigates his abandonment
fears--it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment
he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.
His
constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up
by the Borderline's needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge
is lessened of course, by the Borderline's continuous pattern
of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist's fear of
engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If
he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these
erratic (come here/go away) patterns--and would seek a female
who is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past
the Honeymoon stage).
If
this male's mother had BPD
Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs
for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She
could have made him her confidant in adult matters--especially
concerning issues with his dad. A little boy is overburdened by
these complaints, and doesn't relish this role--but at the same
time, all this special attention from Mother imbues him with a
sense of value/importance--which forms the core
of his self-worth. Her awareness of his needs is painfully
limited, so he welcomes this 'surrogate husband' job, which (at
least) provides vicarious satisfaction. This sets him
up for codependent relationships in his adult world, for being
needed was his only way of replenishing any viable self-image,
and escaping the shame of disappointing
her.
Codependency
and engulfment concerns resulting from this type of dynamic, are
then transferred onto all later attachments. There's an automatic
reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations
of closeness are entwined with loss of Self.
Thus, his inner narrative becomes; "if I get too close
to you, I'll have to relinquish too much of me." Commitment
has gotten confused with engulfment, which means
having to give up important needs and freedoms. Hence, profound
control issues have evolved, and he'll only choose females with
whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A needy,
BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm--at least at the onset.
Any man who persistently chooses borderline disordered women,
has attachment fears that run as deep as those of the females
he's courting.
To
contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant
inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed,
he's terrified of potential ramifications his departure might
catalyze. He's all too familiar with her acute instability, and
frightened that she'll either bring great harm to herself--or
to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats
and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking,
vandalism to their property, etc., when they've tried to flee
these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it's often
easier to remain, than to leave--but this can spawn risks to his
health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations.
Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant
from childhood individuation
struggles.
AS
THE TWIG IS BENT . . .
The
mother of a Narcissist makes her son feel that he is the very
center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy who can do no wrong--but
only when he's perfectly responsive to her demands and
wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she's imbedded and fueled
his grandiosity--even though he's unable to discern why
he's so "special," but has simultaneously implanted
self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences himself
as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes
this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional
gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment
revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized.
This keeps him striving for continuity of love/affection that's
unattainable--but uncomfortable/bored with a female who can
provide loving constancy.
The
Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could
not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both)
her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very
specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him
into the arms
of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level, his valiant
efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite all her loving/rejecting
behaviors), replicate his boyhood blueprint for
attachment.
If
a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he'll be
drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will
retraumatize him. It's also possible that he might select a female
who's relatively devoid of those features, and with whom
he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as
a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits--but
even the Waif must exert control over her partners.
Men
raised by borderline disordered mothers frequently adopt and retain
BPD features, due to an inability to trust and forge close, intimate
bonds during boyhood. This has them persistently choosing relationships
with women who are poorly equipped to meet their needs for connection
and closeness--and turning away from those who are able to offer
genuine love and care. They might fantasize that a female will
come along who can magically break down their attachment avoidance--but
this fantasy won't be realized, unless they get solid help. Even
then, their defenses can remain deeply entrenched.
Narcissistic
males generally cannot commit to esteem-building work, unless
their 'props' have vanished--meaning, they have lost their fortunes
and good health, after involvement with a Borderline. At this
point, their defenses are down, and we have a chance to construct
a man from a damaged little boy.
Solid
inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist,
which instantly produce anxiety. This catalyzes his reflex to
sabotage that relationship with 'tests'
he suspects may result in abandonment. If this occurs, his entrenched
belief that anyone who could have value/importance to him will
let him down or leave, becomes prophesy fulfillment.
Sadly, this reflex keeps real love at bay--and he'll
continue to dabble with Borderlines, who haven't any capacity
to meet his authentic needs.
WHEN
WILL I BE LOVED?
A
Borderline's needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood,
which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only
received praise for her looks, or being the "perfect"
little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem.
Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got,
and jealous of the connection she shared with her father--or any
male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense
of Self, especially when it threatened the mother's sense
of worth. Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First,
they view them as threats--and second, there's such primal
rage left over from infancy (with Mom), this hatred is transferred
onto all other women. For the Borderline, even minor
disappointments can mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships
of any type.
I
saw a TV advertisement one day, for a 'Little Miss Perfect' beauty
pageant. I must tell you, I felt nauseated and heartsick at seeing
these little girls in adult costumes and full makeup, and I thought;
these are the Borderlines of tomorrow! We're aghast when
one of these children is abducted, raped and killed--but in my
view, a society that sanctions these contests is demented.
The
Borderline's perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures,
which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner
pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she
views her physical being--and she believes that if she fixes all
her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable.
She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings,
jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred
and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful
procedures, which is part of their appeal--very much like self-cutting
or burning, distracts from emotional anguish.
Extreme,
unresolved rage issues toward Mother, can catalyze a Borderline's
detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self,
and spawn bi-or homosexuality, transvestism or transgenderism
and sexual reassignment surgeries. She may continue searching
for an external solution to her despair and dissatisfaction--but
happiness is an inside job. With each attachment
to a new female, her hope for healing the mother-wound is revived.
Sadly, few partners are equipped to provide this soothing, and
a Borderline will usually triangulate
relationships with partners who are--for an available/responsive
lover doesn't trigger painful sensations associated with longing
and yearning for love that's unrequited.
The
Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and
approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for
closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her--but while she might
seek these elements in a male, she's really looking to
mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are
displaced
onto romantic partners--but as she begins to feel that they can
actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror
is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive--and so is
her retreat.
SHE
LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .
To
their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counterintuitive,
and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're
so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?"
Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce,
'cause you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in other's lives--wouldn't
you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified
of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach, for
fear of the annihilating pain that might follow, if they do! You
will not change this.
The
Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well
enough--but she'll push you away, the minute that you do. Quite
literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline,
and damned when you don't! This is totally confounding,
and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which
cannot be satisfied. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly
toxic to you.
When
you've grown up gaining a sense of worth
from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs,
and backing that up with rescuing/fixing impulses in adulthood,
you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just
keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all
will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other
great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong.
This is your narcissistic
injury talking, and it's needing to be healed. Core issues
that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.