Hi there, and welcome! This advice
forum is intended to enlighten, educate and empower you. While I answer
all communications, selected emails
are responded to here, and newer entries appear at the top
of this page. Your
note may be edited to provide greater clarity for other visitors,
and your privacy is always strictly protected. If
you are not comfortable with these terms,
please make sure you address this in your letter, and I will respect
your preferences. Earlier Forum entries relating to
specific topics have been archived, and can be located under
Articles,
or accessed through these links: Sex
& Love Forum -
Borderline Personality Forum -
Therapy
Mishaps Forum
- Narcissistic
Personality Forum - Health
Matters Forum. Your contributions to this
wellness site are greatly appreciated, and thank you for
sharing it with your friends!
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Q.
Been in a marriage with an abusive borderline
for over twenty years; I'm making moves to get out, but kids and financial
worries are playing heavily on my mind. I'm a rescuer type who became
ensnarled into her web of push/pull emotional gymnastics right after
losing a previous girlfriend in a car crash. Looking back, I'm pretty
sure she orchestrated my first child's 'conception,' because I was
ready to leave. She's intelligent, pretty etc., but the lies, manipulation,
violent behaviour and years of brainwashing have left their mark on
me. My self-esteem is pretty low right now, and I have no friends
or family for support (she's managed to surgically pare away any competing
emotional attachments). I've been suffering from depression--and apparently,
this is a pretty common symptom of staying in an abusive relationship.
I know that she may respond to my leaving with violence--but leaving
her is a risk I am willing to take (I have had guns pointed at me,
been hit with a guitar, had threats to be poisoned or smothered in
my sleep, etc.). Thanks for exposing this issue for what it is, and
also for ignoring the political gender bias intrinsic to marital abuse
issues. Reading the accounts of other men in my situation is really
helpful to me, and makes me feel a little less isolated. PS:
please don't respond by e-mail, as she reads it. (no surprise here,
I'm sure).
A.
Your request is being honored. Thanks for your very valuable
contribution. [More letters like this are archived here.]
Q.
I think my toddler has ADD/ADHD. How do I know for sure?
A.
It's far too early to be considering a diagnosis like this! Read some
books on infant and child development, learn how to respond
to your child's needs, and accept that your comfort
and peace will be inconvenienced for awhile; it comes with
the job (and privilege) of being a good parent.
Q.
I see that you've mentioned Landmark Forum on your site, and I've
been thinking of checking it out. I can't tell from your writings,
if you think The Forum is a worthy endeavor or not, and would like
to get your 'take' on this.
A.
The Forum, The Meadows and other programs/retreats of this type can
be helpful--for some. Landmark's
methods are pretty crude, and even brutal. If you're fairly whole
and emotionally healthy, you may be able to withstand this experience,
acquire new awarenesses and insights about yourself, and utilize some
of the tools you get there. Unfortunately, these venues pry
the lid off a Pandora's Box in your psyche--but can't help you come
to terms with the painful material you've unearthed. No 'quick fix'
can. If you're signing up for these things because you've felt empty
most of your life or struggled to survive, and you're hoping this
will fix those issues, I doubt you'll be able to retain
what you're exposed to, or apply it--which inevitably leaves you with
more shame, than you started with. Check out these Landmark
blogs.
Q.
I've just met a woman (online) I'm excited about. We've had several
hours of phone contact, and we're going out in a few days. I'm wondering
if it's too soon to bring her flowers. What do you think?
A. I think you should trust your instincts--but as you've asked for
my advice, it seems there's ambivalence between what you want
to do, and what you think you should do. Women's feelings
can differ about flowers. My personal opinion is that You're
enough to begin with, and more may seem like you're trying too hard
to impress. I know a man who consistently gives presents to women
he barely knows (hoping he'll be liked/accepted). This compensatory
behavior is rooted in self-worth issues. Once you develop a deeper
interest and sense it's reciprocal, flowers are a lovely
romantic gesture.
Q.
I just wanted to let you know, I recently found your website in my
attempts to help a man struggling with his borderline
personality new wife (and new baby) and that you have the best information
I've ever seen on this issue, as well as most others and combined
mental health challenges. Your site is really for everyone; for people
struggling and their families, and for therapists and counselors who
aim to be of meaningful help and service. Thank you for your knowledge,
wisdom, holistic approach, practical advice, frankness and courage.
You are amazing. An LSW in Philadelphia, PA
A.
You're welcome. It means a great deal to me when helping professionals
like yourself, find this material valuable/useful.
Q.
Isn't marriage a codependency?
A.
This term is frequently misunderstood and misused. A healthy
marriage, friendship or partnership is one that's interdependent;
these partners are mutually dependent on each other for need satisfaction.
Codependency is defined by an unequal/unbalanced
distribution of power in a relationship; one person is dependent
(usually, on a substance or behavior) and has little or no empowerment--the
other's The Co-dependent (or enabler) who needs to be
needed, to ease his/her abandonment concerns,
and maintain control. [More letters like this
are archived here.]
Q.
A friend of mine always hounds me about not being in a relationship.
She thinks that everyone should be coupled, and that there's something
wrong with people who aren't. I have absolutely no regrets about my
life, and have had wonderfully satisfying relationships along my way.
I've often explained that my priorities are different nowadays, and
that I'm happy and content--but she keeps initiating this same conversation
each time we talk, and it's infuriating! How do I get her to stop
doing this?
A.
Your friend's inability to relate to your needs/feelings, or see this
issue from your perspective speaks to her narcissism
(lack of development). She sounds considerably younger than you (emotionally),
and could be projecting her own needs/desires onto you. She might
feel inadequate or think she has little that's important/compelling
to share, so this has become her default conversation. Let
her know how annoying/distancing this has felt, and that you may have
to limit your contact if it continues. People with whom you have more
in common, will likely make more gratifying friendships.
Q.
Shari, can a therapist date their client after treatment has ended?
A.
Not unless he or she wants to lose their license
to practice. A mandatory two year waiting
period must be observed once therapy has ended, before a psychotherapist
and client may become involved. Most BBS regulations are for the protection
of the client/patient; this one's critical for the well-being of both
parties. Clinicians who don't play by these rules can face disasterous
outcomes professionally and personally. Therapeutic
relationships seldom transition into balanced, healthy partnerships,
because the established roles have to change. Both parties must adapt
to an interdependent dynamic, and that's usually a tough
adjustment. [More letters like this are archived here.]
Q.
My girlfriend's been pressuring me for a commitment. Our relationship
has been great on so many levels, I'm open to moving forward. We've
been talking about living together as the next step--but now
she's telling me she wants to date others! I'm very confused and hurt
by this, and don't know how to handle it. Why'd she need me to commit,
if she wanted to be with other men? I just don't get it.
A.
It sounds like your girlfriend may have attachment issues. She's wanted
you closer--but as soon as you're more available, she apparently needs
to distance. She could have Borderline
Personality features, which means she's ambivalent about
real closeness/connection, and you should proceed with extreme
caution. Pay attention to any 'come here/go away' behaviors that echo
what you've described above; these issues are likely to intensify
during the course of this relationship. [More letters like this
are archived here.]
Q.
Shari, is abandonment worse on kids, than living with parents
who aren't getting along?
A.
Leaving a marriage does not mean "abandoning" your
children. Any child who grows up with constant tension and fighting
between his parents, must survive living in a war zone! This is grossly
unfair to a child--but it's only the tip of this iceberg. Children
learn from example; mean-spirited/disrespectful interplay
between spouses becomes a child's definition for
what 'marriage' means. As an adult, he or she will unwittingly choose
partners with whom to replicate this familiar drama, or may
never marry at all. Seeing loving, caring interactions between grown-ups
is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, as he/she will
be looking forward to these pleasurable experiences in adulthood--and
have a sense of how to create them! This dynamic may be achievable
within a marriage, or it may not--but staying for the "children's
sake," is often more about the parents' needs, than
about the kids.
Q.
I've been seeing someone for awhile, and we've recently gotten
sexual. I like this guy--but he ejaculates prematurely, and it's very
frustrating for me. It seems like just as I'm heating up, he climaxes.
He says he's always been very 'sensitive,' and that other lovers haven't
minded, but it's driving me nuts that he can't go
beyond about 90 seconds. He's able to recharge fairly quickly, and
can do it several more times--but this still isn't satisfying, and
I'm left feeling aroused and angry afterward! Is there any hope for
us?
A.
This situation is horribly frustrating, and no amount of foreplay
makes up for abbreviated sexual intercourse, when this part's important
to you. If your lover sustains his erections and is able to delay
climax during other forms of stimulation (manual/oral), he
could have attachment/engulfment fears. This issue's considered a
form of impotency--and in some circles, it's regarded as
passive-aggressive withholding. If all types of sensual interplay
trigger rapid release, the two of you can try special exercises that
will help him gain more control over his orgasm. It seems this hasn't
been an issue for him, so I'm not certain he'll be
motivated to resolve it. Given this is a new relationship, you may
not want to invest the time/patience it takes to surmount this--but
only you can come to that determination. [More letters
like this are archived here.]
Q.
Hi Shari, my sister and I are very close, but she's always complaining
about the same issues over and over (ad-nauseam),
and her negativity's getting on my nerves. I try to listen patiently
and offer suggestions, but it seems she just wants to gripe about
this stuff, rather than doing anything about it! When I've tried to
change the topic or get off the phone, she gets really mad and starts
shouting and swearing at me, saying I don't care about her (which
isn't true). I hate making her mad, but I feel trapped. How I can
handle this better?
A.
This appears to be a no-win situation--meaning, you're
damned if you do (listen to these constant complaints) and damned
if you don't! Continuing to lend her your ear, reinforces poor behavior.
Taking the best care of your own needs is the healthiest
way to deal with a no-win struggle, and may involve distancing yourself.
Assure your sister of your love and support, but make it clear that
you're no longer willing to engage this way. If she won't take any
actions to resolve her difficulties, she's obviously content
to maintain them. Let yourself off this hook.
Q.
My husband's enmeshed with his mother, which has put a big strain
on our relationship from the beginning. He'll always run to take care
of her needs, and they talk 8 or 9 times a day (she's in good health,
incidentally). Regardless of what's going on with us, he takes her
calls--even when they've interrupted our lovemaking! He's sarcastic
and verbally abusive with me, and we often end up fighting. I've tried
to get along with his mom, but she constantly finds fault with me,
and acts cold or indifferent. My husband and I have been trying to
conceive, but I'm now starting to question if I want to stay in this
marriage. Any insight or advice you can offer is greatly appreciated.
A.
Men who haven't been able to separate from their mothers make poor
husbands; essentially, they're already married. An enmeshed
mother feels jealous of her child's attachments, and tries to undermine
them. Very likely, her needs always had to come first during
his childhood, and she's interfered with every aspect of his existence.
Under these circumstances, his sense of closeness is confused
with engulfment or loss of Self, which can lead to
pent-up frustration and rage. It sounds like these feelings are being
directed at you instead of where they belong (you're the
less threatening target--he can't risk being abandoned by
Mom). Unless/until you establish a loving and stable foundation in
this marriage, put the baby plans on hold. Try to have a heart
to heart with your husband about how unhappy you've been. If
you're both willing to try couples therapy to strengthen and repair
this connection, that's a good start. If not, your options seem pretty
clear.
Q.
My doctor has added a 'sub-therapeutic' dose of a mood stabilizer
to my existing antidepressant therapy. I'm wondering if this makes
sense, and why I should even bother with it.
A.
Everyone's system is somewhat unique, in terms of how various meds
affect them. If your antidepressant hasn't been managing your symptoms,
switching to another, or adding a mood stabilizer can enhance your
therapy--particularly if your doctor suspects there's a bipolar
issue. Some people do very well on minimal amounts of these drugs,
and have unpleasant side-effects when they increase to a standard,
or 'therapeutic' dose. Trust your physician for now, and you can
reassess this issue in a week or two.
Q.
Shari, what happens to a fetus, if the expectant mother has a
panic attack?
A.
An isolated panic event probably won't do much harm, but anxiety issues
are seldom isolated. If there's been one panic episode, we're
automatically inclined to worry that this horrible incident could
happen again, and a level of anxiety remains. My article
on panic/anxiety
explains how these issues are acquired, and discusses fetal
impact as well.
Q.
How do I confront my parents about their toxic behavior?
A.
First, let's accept that what's held you back from doing this, is
a natural fear of abandonment. Let your parents know how their words
and actions make you feel. Be as specific as possible, which
can go something like this; "when you say these things, it makes
me feel; small, worthless, unloved, etc., which is very hurtful."
Toxic parenting stems from deficits in emotional development, meaning
that empathy was never learned/acquired. Check my Borderline
and Narcissistic Personality Forums (at top) for more about these
issues.
Q.
I have been taking lithium, wellbutrin, and zoloft for Bipolar
Disorder. After 25 years of medication, I seem to be getting worse.
Is this a disease that can get worse as one ages?
A.
As your body ages, you may require adjustments
to your existing meds, or need to switch to others. Your physician's
careful/diligent monitoring of your medications (and how you're feeling
on them) is essential for the treatment of bipolar
issues. Solid therapeutic intervention/support (talk therapy) can
be extremely useful in helping you heal emotional material
that has contributed to this picture--and tends to get worse over
time, if not addressed. [More letters like this are archived here.]
Q.
I just wanted to thank you for your article on
ADD.
I've read lots of other material on this topic--but felt yours was
like reading a personal case study on me! The part I was most affected
by, was when you talked about taking these drugs "discretionally,"
or as needed. For many years, I've resisted considering medication
as a means to help myself with these symptoms--but now, I think I'm
ready to explore this. Thank you so very much for helping me understand
that this option is available! SW, Alabama
A.
You're very welcome.
Q.
I think I may have a fear of success. Each time I get close to
a goal, I lose interest or sabotage myself in some way. Is there a
way to overcome this?
A.
What most people interpret as a "fear
of success," is actually a fear of disappointment,
if their plan for achieving something fails. It's far easier to fantasize
about 'probable' outcomes resulting from our efforts, than to put
them to the test--and not have them work out! Certain issues and/or
beliefs left over from childhood may be contributing to this difficulty,
and it can be very helpful to explore this therapeutically. Individuals
with attention deficit
issues are especially prone to losing interest/enthusiasm
for their aims, and this is exacerbated by the cyclical
nature of this (neurological) disorder.
Q.
I've slighted someone who's a friend. I really want their forgiveness,
but don't know how to ask for it. Can you help?
A.
State exactly the things you have in your note to me, and
sincerely ask your friend if she/he is willing to forgive
you. Remember the Nike campaign? Just do it.
Q.
I read your forum
entry from a woman complaining about her "stay-at-home"
boyfriend (as you put it), while she supported the two of them. What
about all the women who expect us guys to support
'em, while they spend our money shopping and having lunch with girlfriends?!
A.
Men usually vary on this kind of thing; some are comfortable providing
for women in this way, and some are not. I try to respond to the concerns
each individual describes in their contact with me, and if a man
had written with this problem, I would have replied similarly (with
the exception of stay-at-home mothers, which is the
toughest full-time job there is)! I believe this issue is
more difficult for females to accommodate, due to cultural
aspects inherent in our masculine and feminine roles and archetypes.
Historically, males were the protectors and providers for the family;
in earlier times, there was no question that a man's wife
and children would share the fruits of his labor, and be the recipients
of his bounty. Times have changed, and so have our needs. Today, many
couples equally share financial weight for the relationship--or
they split these responsibilities according to respective income.
Q.
I seem to need/crave a lot of affection. Is something wrong with
me?
A.
No, nothing is "wrong" with you!
We all have different needs for physical contact, which is also
reflected by our animals/pets! This individual level of need
is generally with us from childhood; some kids require a great deal
of affection/attention, and others might not like being touched or
held (which can be difficult and frustrating for parents). Most people
fall somewhere in-between, where there's a considerable margin for
personal preference. Look for partners who are demonstrative
with their loving feelings, so this part of you can be nourished/satisfied.
Q.
Shari, I'm faced with a very difficult dilemma. I recently went
out with a man I'd met online, who (as it turns out) is dating a friend
of mine! During our dinner conversation, he told me he'd been seeing
someone for awhile, but "not seriously." When he mentioned
her first name and where she lives, I nearly choked on my food. To
say the least, I was shocked and almost speechless! I told him off,
and said I didn't want to have anything to do with him. My problem
is, I know that my friend thinks this relationship is more substantial
than it is, and I'm afraid of hurting her by telling her the truth
about this schmuck! I'm also afraid she'll get mad at me
for revealing this information. HELP!!!
A.
How would you want this handled, if you were in your
friend's position? A true friendship sometimes involves risk;
this means being willing to go out on a limb to save someone you care
about from harm or more pain! Let your friend know that you have
something difficult to tell her, and approach this very sensitively.
If her natural instincts/intuitions haven't already alerted
her to this issue, she could be in denial. This means she won't want
to believe you--and may choose to maintain that relationship!
If she's shocked and angry that this man's been cheating on her, she'll
be compelled to do something about it. Either way, you've (courageously)
demonstrated solid caring, by being honest with her. If she 'shoots
the messenger' and rejects you, I'd be seriously questioning
how much she has valued your friendship!
Q.
My doctor has put me on an antidepressant (Zoloft), and I'm feeling
tired and listless. I've called his office to see if this is a side
effect of the drug, but they haven't gotten back to me. Is this a
normal reaction I'm having, and will it pass?
A.
Zoloft is an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor), and you're
having a fairly typical response to it. Leave another message
for your doctor asking if it's OK to take your medication at a different
time of day--and request that someone please
get back to you on this immediately. In the interim, read important
information pertaining to this issue, here.
Q.
Having recently joined with an investment firm, I'm in need of
clients. I'd really like to approach my friends and acquaintances
about opening or building stock portfolios with me, but it feels a
bit awkward. Is there any way to offer my services, without seeming
like I'm trying to sell them on something, and alienating
them?
A.
These kinds of situations are always a bit tricky--but honesty
is the best policy, regardless of what you're promoting.
If you're contacting active/close friendships, let them know you'd
love to assist them if they ever decide
to go in this sort of direction, and leave it at that. If you're wanting
to pitch an old or former friend/associate you haven't spoken
to in a long time, do not make up some bullshit excuse
for reconnecting. Leave a brief message requesting they phone you
back, if your outreach misses them. If/when you actually connect,
let them know that besides wanting to 'catch up,' you're
excited about this new endeavor and wanted to share it with them,
in case you might be of service one day. This keeps the contact
'clean,' so the other person doesn't have to feel like you've
got a hidden agenda (using them for your own gain),
which I've discussed in relation to a Landmark
Forum issue. It's a more authentic and (potentially) productive
approach for both of you!
Q.
I've recently started law school, but I'm not sure this is what
I really want. My dad and grandfather are attorneys, and it's sort
of a family tradition to build a law career. Since I was a kid I've
always loved cooking; I feel very drawn to culinary
school, and sense it could be a better fit for my talent and interests,
but I don't want to let my family down. I'm really struggling with
this right now, and not sure what I should do about it.
A.
First, your parents and grandparents have already lived their
lives, and made choices that were congruent with their needs/desires.
Perhaps it's time for you to consider doing
the same! For now, this doesn't have to be a black or white issue
(to be or not to be a lawyer); dabble around in
the 'grey area' for awhile with some structured learning
in cooking/baking classes during your spare(?) time, while in law
school. Doing so will be a good test of your motivation/passion, and
give you a better sense of whether (or not) this profession might
be a solid fit for you. Making a terrific omelet is very different
from having what it takes to become a masterful chef, but
sticking your toes in these waters should assist you in determining
your direction.
Q.
I've recently recovered from agoraphobia, and managed to go home
for the holidays (by myself) after many years! I was thrilled
with this, but noticed some anxiety symptoms cropping up while I was
there, and after my return. I thought I was done with this issue--but
feel like I'm losing ground, which is confusing and discouraging!
Why is this happening?
A.
You've not mentioned the methods by which you achieved your
recovery, but anxiety, panic and agoraphobia (an intense panic condition
that keeps you homebound) are feeling-related
issues. You didn't develop this problem in a vacuum; you were influenced
by a number of environmental factors growing up, that made you discard
certain traits/emotions. Returning to that environment (even for a
brief time) can reactivate toxic relational dynamics, and
put you at risk for a regression. Learning to manage the symptoms
of Panic Disorder is not the same as healing
it.
Q.
Shari, after raising my son (alone) and making sure he has a solid
foundation, I've decided it's time for me now, and
have been exploring these online dating sites. My preliminary experiences
have been pretty disappointing, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll
ever meet someone sound enough.
Almost as soon as I think I've made a connection, it evaporates. Usually,
the woman doesn't write/call back, and I'm left wondering what went
wrong. I must tell you, this is pretty disconcerting! You'd think
these people are looking for a relationship, but I'm now questioning
it! I guess I'm wanting to know what to do, when my emails or phone
calls go unreturned. Advice, please?
A.
Dear Sir, online dating can (unfortunately) be like fishing in contaminated
ponds. When you encounter a non-response after a reasonable
period, remember this four letter word; "NEXT!"
Singles venues might be useful for meeting people, but can yield more
quantity than quality. A lot of these folks seem ambivalent
about closeness; they may be licking their wounds from a recent failed
attempt, but be craving the interaction, stimulation and ego refueling
this "safe" contact offers, while never leaving their bathrobes!
With so many options just a click away, a sort of kid-in-a-candy-store
fickleness is tough to compete with or surmount. Some people have
a strong sense of what they need in a partner, and won't respond if
you don't fit their criteria--but mostly, I view dating sites as relationship
pergatory for people not yet ready to bond; some have
unfinished business from a prior romance that makes them afraid to
re-engage, and others have avoided intimacy their whole lives. Often,
what humans say they want, is different from what they're
ready to create, and the subconscious mind always gets its
way (our behaviors reflect our true desires). Try getting involved
in new activities or taking classes in your areas of interest, and
you'll likely meet women with whom you're compatible.
Meet
Shari
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Shari Schreiber, M.A. All Rights Reserved.
