DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com

 

How often have you heard yourself say, "I'm a giver, not a taker"? Have you experienced discomfort when receiving something from another, whether it's a kind gesture, favor or gift? Do you know what it's like to be in a reciprocal relationship? If these questions are triggering familiar sensations, it means you started learning this inclination in childhood, and were made to feel that receiving supplies of attention, affection and emotional support came at a substantial cost to your parent(s). As a natural outcome of this, you began putting the needs of others far ahead of your own, because doing otherwise meant punishment, guilt and/or shame.

Entitlement issues typically evolve from poor self-worth, and our inability to feel deserving and/or worthy of receiving what we need. Healthy self-esteem means that we're equally as comfortable receiving as giving. Our desperate, unrelenting need to gain acceptance and approval from others (so that we can feel okay about ourselves), is at the core of fixing or rescuing behaviors.

None of us grew up being perfectly parented--in fact it's virtually impossible to anticipate that this could even happen. Alas, we are all products of our experiences, which have impacted us to one degree or another, and that's what this piece attempts to address. There will likely be parts of this article that you'll relate to, and other parts you won't--but if any of this material opens a doorway to greater self-awareness, healing might begin for you and your child, parent or spouse, and that's my objective.

A few of my clients have chosen to share this material with their parent. If You are a parent, and your adult child has given you this article or you've found it by chance, there's a strong likelihood they're needing your apology for some childhood issues they've struggled to surmount. If you're wanting to build a closer bond with him or her, any attempts to make amends must be heartfelt--and made without explanations or excuses. The reasons you weren't 'equipped' to do it differently or better, are of no use in context of healing the pain they still carry. In short, this effort can't become about you and your struggles, for while they may have empathy and understanding for your plight, they're still wrestling with unresolved wounds and trust issues. Healing is only possible, when someone you've hurt (even unwittingly) can feel your sincere remorse. While this process isn't easy, it can go a long way toward helping you repair any relationship where trust has been undermined.

Wounds to one's sense of Self during infancy and early childhood, are often referred to as core damage/trauma or narcissistic injury, within the body of this text. In simple terms, having 'core issues' means that the hub of your wheel has been broken or damaged in some manner. When the very center of your being is compromised, all the spokes which emanate from that point will be weak, and susceptible to breaking. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence, as it shapes self-worth, and influences how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.

When a client tells me they had an "ideal childhood," or that his/her parents had a perfect, long-term marriage, I know we've got challenging work ahead. The reality is, if this were true, they would not be struggling to form healthy attachments--and they definitely wouldn't be needing my help. Denial keeps us trapped in self-blame for our failings, instead of putting the blame where it actually belongs. It also keeps us addicted to poor relational choices.

You may have convinced yourself that your parents "did the best they could" but if that's so, why are you having to invest all this time, money and effort in therapy and a litany of self-help venues, just to feel okay about yourself?

A child needs to feel valued by his/her parent. He needs to see welcome on the parent's face when he enters a room, and feel like he really matters, and is loved. Very few of us ever experienced this--in fact, what we consistently saw instead, were expressions of indifference or annoyance--and this shaped how we grew up feeling about ourselves!

When we experience tormenting emotional pain and confusion in childhood, we have to normalize those experiences in order to survive them. Often, we stow away these difficult feelings or make them not matter, so we're able to coexist with a variety of upsets--and the people responsible for them (our parents). The problem is, these survival strategies remain intact throughout our adulthood, and prompt serious issues like anxiety disorders, addictions, compulsive behaviors, attachment fears, impaired partner selection, etc.

When feelings are put away in childhood, our emotional growth is stunted. As we can't help but be drawn to partners who echo our earliest experiences and match our level of emotional development, we're naturally attracted to others who are as underdeveloped and damaged as we--which sets us up for failure in our Love life. These unions familiar and 'normal' to us, so there's an exciting, compelling drive to maintain them. This element is discussed in greater depth toward the end of this piece--but the rest will help you discern why you've landed here.

As you read through this material, you might experience sudden sleepiness or perhaps a little sadness. This is a somatic response, which means that a facet of you is identifying with various elements being discussed here--and they have important meaning for you! While you may decide to take a short break, rest assured that there is nothing to fear from these uncomfortable sensations, and I encourage you to continue. You'll get the most value from this information, if you return to the hyperlinks that take you to other pages after you've finished reading this article.

When you're a self-proclaimed "giver," it's very likely you've been raised in a home where certain needs were not acknowledged or adequately responded to, and you've compensated for this deficit, by becoming a caregiver. Even if you felt that your parents were overburdened in some way, you could have tried to become an invisible child, so as not to place more demand on them.

As a young kid, you may have discovered that taking care of another's needs provided vicarious satisfaction, and a sense of safety, empowerment or self-worth. Whether you've promoted another's dependency on you emotionally, physically or financially as an adult, feeling needed has fortified your self-esteem--but it has also ameliorated abandonment anxiety, which motivates these types of choices.

THE CAREGIVER EQUATES BEING NEEDED, WITH BEING LOVED.

Your caregiving nature is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing--or extreme amounts of support or nurturing. Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them with 'pep talks' or emotional/psychological bolstering, and you feel better afterward. Occasionally, you'll romantically connect with someone who initially shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious theme that underlies this pairing process is: "If you NEED me, you'll never leave me."

In the rare event a selected lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, Caregivers are still compelled to encourage some level of dependency. This can be demonstrated by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in body image, wardrobe preference, dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy, etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create (at least) an illusion of being indispensable and needed, abandonment concerns are averted. This behavior is driven by our subconscious determination to maintain inequity in relationships, for the one who needs the least is always the one in power.

Partners may unwittingly undermine themselves by losing jobs, getting sick, failing, etc., to be complicit with the dynamic you've needed to maintain in the relationship. There's always a payoff in this--as the unspoken agreement or 'contract' you two created when you first joined, remains intact.

When a mate/partner is perceived as diminished (or less than) you feel more secure, in that you can control the relationship dynamic and manipulate its emotional climate to suit internal comfort levels. In truth, feeling needed is enhancing to your self-image, and reinforces a sense of well-being/safety; but if a lover gains some empowerment and develops a more equal footing, your Caregiver prowess feels suddenly diluted. This is when your emotional equilibrium is compromised and abandonment anxiety surfaces, prompting either sabotaging or clinging behaviors. Selection strategy generally insures against this outcome, as you will turn away from lovers or friends who are capable of meeting you on a more balanced playing field. Healthier choices require authentic self-esteem, which you may never have had opportunity to develop. You'll naturally guard against anybody discovering this secret, as covert shame (a remnant from childhood) steers you away from more viable, fully-integrated people who might notice your fragility and/or shortcomings.

But what is at the core of this issue? Being loved in totality is something that Caregivers do not fundamentally believe is possible, as "negative" (or less appealing) traits and feelings have been suppressed since infancy, in order to gain more affection and care, and mitigate fears of abandonment. Essentially, this child has been emotionally blackmailed into responding to the needs of his/her mother, and personality aspects that were unpleasant or inconvenient for her to accommodate, are surrendered/discarded. Even if Mom just needed to shield her husband from any form of agitation, her child is conditioned to believe that certain facets and feelings are unacceptable and bad. As he matures, he will internalize and adopt this attitude toward himself; even the subtlest awareness of their presence makes him think he's "bad," so he virtually amputates these sensations out of his persona, and becomes a People Pleaser, which could have serious health repercussions.

Cancers, stomach/intestinal problems, rheumatism, migraine headaches and Anxiety/Panic Disorders are only a few of the ailments that are triggered by long-held resentment and repressed rage. It's not that anger is bad--but it's harshly self-judged, and banished from the personality structure. This deficit in feelings/emotions results in a partial personality, instead of a whole one.

The Caregiver/Pleaser has developed an idealized notion of how he must be perceived in order to be loved--so each giving gesture literally provides a self-image payoff. While this emotional 'reward' may be satisfying on some level, the compulsion to take care of others, consistently overrides personal needs and underdeveloped feelings, and perpetuates an issue of "Giving 'till it hurts."

Lurking underneath the surface of every Caregiver's attachments is often the question; "when's it gonna be my turn?" They erroneously presume that the more they give, the more they'll (eventually/some day) get back--but that rarely happens, due to the type of person they've chosen to love. Reciprocal relationships literally feel uncomfortable, and are summarily avoided.

The Pleaser so hungrily seeks approval, he'll happily work longer hours, take on extra tasks that aren't part of his job description, never take vacations, never ask for a raise in salary, etc. He secretly wants his contributions to be noticed and rewarded--but fear keeps him from asking for any compensation. He would literally prefer that his employer intuit his needs/desires and grant what's never spoken of, or requested--as deep down, he doesn't feel worthy of receiving. This entitlement issue is a carryover from infancy.

Passive-aggressive behavior is very common within this personality type, for there's substantial difficulty with identifying feelings and needs. Having learned to obliterate emotions in order to survive, recognizing and conveying them in a straightforward manner is not only foreign, it involves confronting long-dreaded vulnerability, and challenges/threatens one's entrenched non-needing identity. Resentment is often cumulative for someone who's unable to acknowledge feelings, and for whom experiencing and expressing needs produces discomfort. Therefore, a series of minor infractions that are usually unwitting on another's part, are initially glossed over, and internalized as trivial or "unimportant." Mounting resentment can easily erupt in explosive outbursts, but is more often acted-out in a passive/non-direct fashion, which can include physical, sexual or emotional withdrawal, sarcasm, bitchiness, infidelities, delaying or "forgetting" specific requests made by the lover, not following through with commitments, etc. This style of interplay was learned by the (adult) child growing up, as his parents were incapable of engaging him in healthier, more constructive interactions. The outcome of this kind of parenting is a deeply wounded self-esteem, and diminished sense of trust in Self and others: We learn how to love ourselves and others, by how we were treated as children.

SHOW ME WHERE YOU ARE, AND I'LL KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.

Childhood experiences always predict the nature of adult relationships. An extraordinary number of males who've grown up without fathers or in homes where the father was ill, abusive or just emotionally/physically unavailable, have developed powerful inclinations to fix/rescue females. When a mother's relationship with her spouse or partner is lacking in emotional resources or she's unattached, her children must often assume the complex (adult) role of filling this void. While the eldest or male child is typically chosen for this task, any child who's felt responsible for meeting his/her mother's needs, will likely develop rescuing compulsions. These dynamics are usually kept in place for the duration of one's life, or the life of the mother (and beyond, if there are siblings for whom he or she feels responsible). This enmeshment issue acutely interferes with a Caregiver's ability to create an independent, emotionally gratifying and successful lifestyle, without significant feelings of remorse, shame or guilt over "inadequate" attention/support to his parent or siblings, no matter how much has been given or provided.

Since these attitudes and behaviors were essentially implanted during the earliest part of his formative years, they tend to remain alive indefinitely. If specific therapeutic help is not engaged to dismantle these constructs, they are projected onto his romantic liaisons--which spawns significant emotional ambivalence. Hence, a male who appears to "fear commitment" may actually be trying to avoid engulfment, because he's lacked a positive/sound frame of reference for what it means to experience closeness.

His twin fears; Abandonment and Engulfment (or loss of Self), combine with difficult feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness that catalyze destructive, compensatory behaviors. Control issues and addictions help this Caregiver defend against painful ambivalence that's characterized by deep longing but fear of needing, and further undermine his personal strivings and attachment endeavors. He (or she) might routinely pursue relationships with borderline disordered individuals, who are incapable of sustaining genuine intimacy and connection; under these conditions of course, the task of maintaining 'safe' emotional proximity becomes a non-issue. Long-distance romances can also inhibit authentic affectional bonds, and assuage one's engulfment anxiety.

Caregiver personalities frequently construct and maintain fast-paced, highly stressful lifestyles, to avoid difficult sensations (like emptiness, depression) that can surface when they slow down enough to feel. Busily responding to the needs and crises of others, reliably bolsters a tenuous self-image that fits very neatly into this Avoidant Syndrome. Fixing/rescuing behaviors help Caregivers side-step having to confront personal issues and challenges, and distract from internal pain or dissatisfaction. This is a spectacular form of self-medication--but relief is only temporary, which reinforces the addictive compulsion to focus attention outside oneself, rather than looking within.

The Caregiver was once a child who required love and affection to mirror his intrinsic value and self-worth. Since this was never properly reflected, he has ingeniously invented various methods by which to gain a sense of Self, by over-achieving, publicly performing, rescuing or constantly responding to the needs of others. In essence, he's been programmed to feel worthless, empty and invisible unless he's actively doing, so the simple act of being can invoke guilt and self-loathing. To avert these feelings, even caregiving professionals are compelled by "fixer-uppers" in romantic relationships, as well as needful, physically/emotionally compromised friends who depend on them for support and refueling. Healthy/whole people are drawn to balanced interpersonal relationships--not codependent ones.

I had a close collegial friendship for many years with a gal whose husband so frequently contracted the Disease du Jour, she was utterly terrified every month or so, that his demise could be imminent! Since this pattern existed throughout the thirteen years we'd been friends, I couldn't help but wonder what underlying issues perpetuated it. In short, what was the subconscious payoff for his getting sick so often, or diagnosing himself with each dreaded disease? I finally asked what changes occurred in their day-to-day dynamic when hubby was supposedly critically ill--and her reply was predictable; she gave him a lot more attention and tender concern! For a guy who'd grown up with a mother who encouraged him to play in the streets, and had little regard for his safety or well-being, I presumed this extra attention from his overly-busy, psychotherapist wife felt pretty darned good. As far as I know, they're still doing that dance--it's just simple, emotional mathematics.

UNLOCKING THE DOOR TO WHOLENESS, BY HONORING EMPTINESS.

Caregiver personalities are 'busy-bodies' who compulsively keep themselves running--despite sensations of tiredness, illness, injury, etc. If your entire sense of identity is contingent on how well you take care of everybody else, how is it ever possible to slow down, and respond to your personal feelings and needs? Busy-bodies are typically unable to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. These folks are accustomed to thinking their way through life, as opposed to feeling their way along. Instincts and intuitions are discarded along with other vital sensations, that function as our built-in survival guide. Their absence can leave us frantically shooting in the dark, and settling for non-fulfilling relationships, to flee dreadful emptiness that feels worse than most types of pain.

Codependents are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing, which was a learned response to abuse and/or neglect in childhood. Perhaps they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but continue beating-up on themselves for failings or imperfections. It's imperative you get help to change this!

Caregivers constantly live with a powerful compulsion give what they never received. There's a dire, inescapable need to take care of everyone else in a manner that's completely foreign to their own childhood experiences. They'll never fully relax, for fear that they're not performing perfectly, and have let someone (anyone) down, if they do! These nagging sensations reinvigorate their disease to please--and perpetuate controlling, codependent behaviors. Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional.

Individuals who've not addressed core wounds (or narcissistic trauma) at the foundation of this pattern, may be especially attracted to careers involving psychological or medical intervention. Psychotherapists, doctors and nurses are all drawn to helping or "fixing" people, as this can form the basis of their self-worth, and provide opportunities to 'change' someone in ways that were never possible to accomplish with a parent. Their appetite for omnipotence has germinated from early childhood, and was originally born out of a need to construct a more powerful (and sometimes grandiose) ego structure, to compensate for archaic deficits that left them feeling disempowered/fragile. The inner hunger that stems from this emotionally under-nourished period, fuels addictions to alcohol/drugs, shopping, overeating, over-work/exercise, scholastic or professional over-achievement, gambling, sex, etc. Someone's drive to alter, elevate or numb his/her mood with substances or compulsive behaviors, is a desperate attempt to fill the core void. This void or sense of emptiness, represents the most prominent piece of every addict's fractured inner mosaic--and there's profound terror in that space.

When I was a teen, my dad once said; "make sure you clean up the mess in your own backyard, before you start on someone else's." This little piece of wisdom has had me holding my feet to the fire, with respect to healing and growth. Perhaps it can serve as a helpful reminder, for you too. The truth is, we're not ready to take on passengers, if we haven't plugged up the holes in our own boat. Many people lead lives of quiet desperation, because they're drowning in an ocean of unfinished business from their childhood, and have unwittingly chosen mates who rip the scabs off old, unhealed injuries.

Narcissism is frighteningly common among helping professionals. Reluctant to acknowledge or experience personal needs, even psychotherapists may neglect to confront their own core disturbances, which leaves them ill-suited to recognize and empathically respond to their patients' most distressing feelings, struggles and self-sabotaging patterns--but is it even possible to effectively walk someone else through a tunnel, that you've been unable or unwilling to navigate? Some clinicians are invested in keeping their patients or clients in treatment far longer than necessary to fortify their own sense of Self--and gratify an unquenchable need to feel needed. Sadly, one's client base might even function as a sort of surrogate family for the therapist who has yearned for, but lacked a meaningful connection with his or her family of origin--which can extend your treatment indefinitely!

When Caregivers construct elaborate defenses like crisis/chaos addictions, they're running from internal distress. Constantly responding to the needs of others enables them to circumvent their own uncomfortable feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, boredom, etc.), and maintain denial of deep, unhealed trauma. Descending into their personal anguish within a therapeutic alliance is typically avoided, because the notion of allowing a supportive, nourishing, ongoing relationship (essential in helping them mend) feels threatening to their non-needing or 'false-self.' Thus, even friendships and professional or social connections that lack reciprocity due to inherent limitations, are sub-consciously ratified and perpetuated. Whether you're a therapist or patient: Feeling creates opportunity and capacity for Healing.

Many individuals I've worked with over the years, are core trauma survivors. Most have geographically distanced themselves as far as possible from their parental home, in order to establish a degree of emotional autonomy. Over time, the issue of enmeshment (inability to discern and separate feelings, belonging to either the parent or the Self) is resolved. At this juncture, one's relationship endeavors can start to become more balanced, productive and gratifying. One's mother figures most prominently within this enmeshment scheme, as she is the first object of attachment, and the mother/child bond is intricate and significant.

LOVE, TRUST, AND OTHER SUCH ANOMALIES

A developing fetus hears and learns his mother's voice and language style, co-experiences her emotional states and forms an intimate bond with her in-utero. This of course, has far reaching ramifications for children given away at birth ('adoptees'), and imprints them with feelings of abandonment, which are almost impossible to identify or articulate without sensitive, specialized care. Pre-verbal sensations of guilt, unworthiness and shame, which result from having been given up for adoption or abandoned by a mother's untimely death, make them feel "unwanted or discarded," and drive a deep need to avert this kind of trauma from ever occurring again.

Abandonment issues can inhibit connections that might become more than casual/superficial, or cause one to maintain relationships that are unfulfilling or abusive; under these conditions, any connection could seem better than no connection at all. Many of these folks compulsively strive for perfection in adulthood, to ameliorate their ever-present terror of rejection, or being left.

Whether physical loss of the mother constitutes part of this core deficit or not, enmeshment issues stemming from emotional abandonment are easily implanted during infancy and early childhood. Again, when a woman's needs are not met by her spouse or partner, they're transferred to her child, which fosters an unhealthy, fused/enmeshed bonding that conditions him to feel responsible for her survival and well being. If the child's attempts to form an autonomous ego are thwarted when he begins to separate/individuate from her in infancy, he remains fixated on the needs of his mother--and every attachment thereafter (to his detriment). Very early on, he begins to sense that only a modicum of personal need fulfillment is available to him, which impacts his sense of worth and viability; in the process, he acquires a subtle anxiety that cannot help but question, "if something should happen to you, what will become of me?" This deep concern prompts Herculean measures to rescue, fix/repair or normalize his beloved parent and their interactions, to mitigate his abandonment fears. At his own expense, he'll even adopt the mother's depressive or dysfunctional features, to retain some semblance of connection with her. These rescuing impulses are automatically carried into his adult dynamics, and are the root of codependent relationships.

As previously stated, the basis of this disturbance is intricate, and begins very early. When separation is attempted by an infant with a core-damaged mother, this necessary aspect of his development virtually reactivates the mother's original abandonment trauma (carried over from her infancy), and re-awakens insidious primal rage that's projected onto her child. Prior to his individuation phase, this infant's mother might have started experiencing a sense of wholeness, connection and purpose she's never known before, and these richly pleasurable sensations fostered desperate measures to remain attached. Henceforth, the consistent, underlying message in her tone, facial expressions and behaviors toward him throughout this period could convey; "don't you dare separate and cease existing for me and my needs, or I will abandon/annihilate you." This would echo her own disrupted efforts to retain affection and approval, while attempting to forge an autonomous, healthy Ego, distinctly separate/apart from her mother. Core emptiness can drive a woman's psychic/emotional need to give birth to a lot of babies in very close succession (think of Nadia Sulemon), for she thrives on their dependency. A Borderline mother might physically harm her children or make them sick to keep them dependent (as with Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy), or murder them, as they develop beyond this stage.

Unresolved primal needs (from infancy) always take precedence over adult needs! Comforting/soothing physical connection can trap folks in frustrating relational dynamics that are lacking in cerebral, emotional and financial need satisfaction. Females often fall prey to relationships with males they think have "potential," only to be disappointed. They remain angry or dissatisfied, yet are unable to leave, because their little girl needs are being met. At the heart of this issue is enmeshment--so grown woman needs are forfeited.

Deeply buried enmeshment issues are especially common among men who attach to Borderline women. A Borderline's clinginess and neediness can feel suffocating and engulfing, but may replicate an adult male's earliest bonding experiences with Mother. This imprint is potent/heady, and is often retained as a sense memory; the way she smells, the nature of her touch or sound of her voice, makes him think that he's unwittingly found what he's needed his whole life. The loss of this type of attachment will send a man into perilous pain and longing, which is unmatched by any other (remembered) life event.

It should be noted, that if a nourishing symbiosis with Mother isn't possible during infancy, and a far more attentive/loving attachment is forged with the father, an emotionally sound adult may eventually emerge. But if the father leaves through divorce, death or remarriage, the abandonment trauma this invokes will significantly impact all future relationships. Anxiety surrounding potential loss of someone who might have substantial meaning and value, can inhibit or destroy healthy, gratifying adult connections--and may spawn personality disorders.

WHEN LOVE HAS BECOME ENTWINED WITH PAIN

The cost of not resolving core wounds is reflected in every decision and life choice we make professionally and personally, and crucially impacts romantic endeavors. A caring, mutually nurturing and enhancing relational experience is completely foreign to most Caregivers. They've seldom (if ever) received affection, support and positive mirroring from a non-abandoning source, nor have they experienced loving, that's unaccompanied by pain. The Caregiver repeatedly welcomes relationships that activate dramatic/painful sensations associated with early attachment difficulties, while routinely rejecting those who are actually equipped to meet his/her needs. There's little capacity to respond passionately to a healthy/rewarding dynamic, because the familiar ache of intense longing and yearning--which has come to be interpreted as "Love," isn't present with an available partner! One's perception of such a relationship is that "something's missing," as it cannot trigger feelings that parallel his disappointing/unrequited attachment experiences in childhood.

Caregivers develop erroneous assumptions that they can fix any relationship problem, as their childhood experiences left them with a degree of mastery. They could also have adopted the ideation; "If I feel bad, it must surely be my fault," which has them pursuing unfulfilling romantic endeavors way past their natural shelf life--or trying to fix irreparable dynamics with personality disordered individuals, to escape the toxic shame of emotional impotency.

A lover who's elusive, cruel, or just emotionally and/or physically unavailable can trigger painful sensations that replicate what the Caregiver experienced as a child, seeking a loving/responsive parent. This emotionally inadequate, yet dramatically felt kind of episode functions as a powerful catalyst, that inspires a tenacious (and vaguely familiar) pursuit to seduce the object of desire into returning his attention and ardor. Since the intense feelings that are invoked by such a relationship are compelling/addictive, any individual who awakens them, is addictive as well. In the rare event an attachment is successfully formed, rejection by the lover can set in motion an internal re-creation of his earliest abandonment experience, and drudge up excruciating feelings of inadequacy and shame, which are almost impossible to tolerate. Punishment of the Self (compulsive, addictive reflexes or destructive acting-out behavior) usually accompanies or follows this kind of trauma.

Perhaps the most tragic part of this issue, is that a core-wounded individual unwittingly seeks lovers who are no more equipped to respond to her needs, than her unavailable parent was! She continues to embrace the notion that she will one day find someone who excites her, and whom she can train or teach to love her in ways she's always wanted--but this is a child's fantasy that will never be realized. Still, if these inexhaustible efforts should yield even marginal success, she could feel encouraged to remain, and continue striving for that which cannot be satisfied.

It's very important to realize, that if a lover could become responsive to his partner's needs, he'd be discarded because of other perceived shortcomings or "flaws" that would suddenly seem untenable; again, an available lover doesn't provoke an intense visceral response. In truth, the thrill is in pursuit and seduction, which perpetuates an endless re-enactment of a child's most fervent wish for a closer bond with his/her parent, while defending against a more palpable fear of losing a deeply meaningful and nourishing attachment. This often means, that individuals who are actually capable of loving/caring interactions are distanced, punished or rejected, so that anxiety surrounding devastating abandonment, is kept at bay. This is the Borderline's crucible.

The narcissistically injured Caregiver may repeatedly convince herself that she is capable of intimacy, by practicing relationship skills with partners who are incapable of fully responding to her. Thus, she continues to refuel the notion that she is "available" by taking calculated emotional risks--the rewards of which, are false reflections of her actual capacity to bond. I'm reminded of a woman who periodically resuscitated discarded relationships. During episodes of re-engagement, she was utterly convinced she loved and wanted these men, but always admitted that if the current lover pursued commitment, she'd beat a hasty retreat--and enumerated his "deficits" to reinforce her stance. When one of these former boyfriends eventually gained closure and attached to another, this client fell into a severe depression. Unable to reseduce this man, she appeared to re-experience her childhood abandonment despair, in having to surrender this intensely felt, yet under-satisfying connection. My sense was that profound (core) sensations of loss, shame and unworthiness, paralleled acute/long-denied pain from unhealed archaic wounds.

Childhood abandonment trauma can create a virtual minefield, in context of romantic endeavors. Sadly, the partner of an abandoned (adult) child cannot help but step on emotional land mines that have lain dormant, perhaps for decades. Self-esteem injuries that have existed since the primal rejection experience are reactivated--which triggers intense anguish and rage. As this early painful material isn't usually held on a conscious level (in terms of its impact), repercussions from a lover's unwitting slights are very difficult to recover from, and often bring about a couple's relational demise.

Many of us grew up observing our parents doing battle, and as children learn from example, this became our definition for what 'marriage' meant. If we're somehow lucky enough to have found a copasetic, nourishing relationship, we might need to upset that balance, just to feel like things are normal. In short, we've gotta throw a monkey wrench into the works, because harmony and peace feel foreign--and therefore, uncomfortable. We could even have become somewhat like the parent we most feared or hated.

YOU CAN'T BUILD YOUR CASTLE ON A CRUMBLING FOUNDATION, AND EXPECT IT TO REMAIN INTACT.

What's critical to understand, is that many of us lacked a healthy/consistent symbiotic bond during infancy with our mothers. As a result, our search for 'perfect attunement' with romantic partners (for which we have no suitable frame of reference) can easily continue indefinitely. The compelling drive to manufacture this nourishing/satisfying primal experience (and heal), propels us toward intense, unstable relationships that echo familiar, but defective interpersonal styles that were imprinted throughout infancy and childhood. Stated more simply, our model for meaningful adult attachments has been constructed from a relationship blueprint, which consisted of painful, under-nourishing experiences! This early blueprint continues to influence self-worth and partner selection, unless/until a solid, nurturing therapeutic alliance can provide a sturdier foundation built on supportive, empathic interactions.

The person you choose to love and partner with, mirrors your own level of emotional development. If you are truly seeking an authentic and intimate relationship, you won't attach to or remain with someone who's not, because he/she isn't a 'match' for your fundamental needs and desires. If you think there's a pattern in your romantic life that consistently feels disappointing, lacking and/or painful, you might ask yourself why you're attracted to this type of individual. More importantly, try to discern the feelings or fears that emerge, when you contemplate deeply loving someone, who could actually respond to you the way you've always wanted, and needed to be loved.

 

This is my keystone piece, from which nearly all other material on this site emanates. It was originally conceived and written for psychotherapists. More on core injury can be found in other Articles and various Forum discussions. Archived questions/answers relating specifically to these concerns, are in my Codependency Forum. If you're a practitioner who wants to integrate healing work into your practice, private guidance is available.

If you are seeking help with these issues, or your group/organization would like me to speak on this topic, feel free to contact me. The following forum letter should provide further insight about transformational inner work:

Q. Your article hit home for me, and I was amazed at the profound power of knowledge. But how do you change all those "familiar" patterns, and stop rejecting good people who could be loving/giving to you? What is the recovery or hope of changing all that early programming, as who had a chance when they were an infant?

A. Trust is (ideally) established in the first year of life with our mothers. As an infant, you may have begun sensing you couldn't depend on her to respond sufficiently to your needs, and started moving toward emotional self-reliance in order to survive. This has served you in some ways, but not in others, as it's kept you from getting help with forming healthier, more gratifying attachments! Effective therapeutic support assists you in healing early deficits, by providing corrective emotional experiences that are qualitatively different than what you've been exposed to in your past. These therapeutic opportunities allow you to receive nurturing, attentive (re)parenting, and assist you in feeling more worthy (and desirous) of nourishing, loving experiences within your interpersonal world. Early emotional trauma can be overcome with the help of a professional who understands how profoundly these wounds have affected you, and hindered your capacity to accept and trust an ongoing, nurturing, supportive relationship. Most 'therapy' doesn't tap into this material. Seek help from someone who's well-versed in treating narcissistic injury (core issues). Additional insights can be gained via the writings of Alice Miller; search for this author on Google.

 

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THE GOOD WIFE - Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?

HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? All about the Borderline/Narcissist attraction.

Recommended reading:

The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller (and/or any other books from this author).

"I Don't Want to Talk About It": Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, by Terrance Real.

Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, Ph.D.

 

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