AT ANY COST:
Saving Your Life After Loving A Borderline
BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.
This article is for survivors of a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them. It is not intended for anyone with BPD traits! If you suspect you have borderline personality features, what follows could feel injurious to you! Please leave this site immediately and seek alternative web content that may be more congruent with your personal views and needs.
You're hurting. You've never felt this excruciating pain before, and you need it to stop. Perhaps she's left you for another or just abruptly left, and this terrible lack of closure has you feeling confounded. You're constantly replaying each moment of this relationship in your mind trying to understand why she's left, and you keep blaming yourself. It's hard to make sense of these awful feelings, because there could have been times you thought of leaving--but you've patiently hung on, hoping it would all work out. Your emotional roller-coaster ride has finally ended, but all you can think about is having her back again.
When you're involved with a borderline disordered female, you feel ebullient when things are “good” between you, and miserable when they're not. You might think of her like a drug you can’t live without, because you've felt alive and buoyant when she was attentive, available and loving, and tortured and empty when she was indifferent, detached or cruel. During frequent breakups or periods of distancing, you may have desperately longed for her return, and resorted to elaborate means to re-engage her. You've felt frantic to make contact with her at these times, because the shame and pain you feel in her absence is quite literally, unbearable.
In the wake of this involvement, you're probably obsessing about what she's feeling or doing, who she's screwing~ and wondering if she's thinking at all about you. Your emotionally treacherous dance with a borderline girlfriend or wife may be over, but if your feelings of regret, shame and emptiness are so acute, that you want her back at any cost, this was written for You!
A man knew for many years once said, "I don't care if somebody manipulates me, as long as I'm having a good time." His statement was really humorous to me back then, but it perfectly encapsulated a man's initial experience with a Borderline. Decades later, this guy craved but avoided romantic involvement, because all the women he'd ever attached to, had been Borderlines!
"No good deed goes unpunished," was his favorite lament--and I guess this was the story of his life, given these unwavering romantic selections. Sadly, his life experiences and only frame of reference consistently yielded painful outcomes associated with loving. Current wisdom finally informed him, the prize was no longer worth the price he'd pay for having another go at "romance." Alas, even aging has its rewards.
A Borderline will often line-up her next romance while she's still involved with You. In short, her bed never gets cold~ so if you notice that she's started up with another guy almost immediately, it's likely because she'd cultivated that relationship before she broke up with you! Don't expect her to admit to this, as she never will.
It's really tough on you to think you can so easily be replaced, because you're paralyzed with agony, but the Borderline's middle name is Rebound.
Certain aspects or common denominators are present in males who attach to Borderlines. Typically, these are People Pleaser types, who have rescuing or fixing compulsions, self-esteem difficulties from childhood, intimacy issues, insecurity, engulfment concerns, poor self-image, dysthymia (chronic/long-standing mild to moderate depression), etc. Foundational problems of this kind leave men especially vulnerable to being seduced and manipulated by gorgeous but unbalanced women. You may be extremely accomplished and successful--but the Borderline will methodically learn what's underneath those props, and use your most intimate secrets and self-doubts against you. These involvements derail your trust in women, but also in yourself--which is unfortunately, the worst part of this deal.
Every man's ego takes a jab when a woman leaves--but a Borderline leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed, castrated, unlovable, emasculated, worthless, etc. You start believing that if she returns, you'll be able to rid yourself of these horrible sensations, and feel okay again. Once in awhile, the rational part of your mind recalls the torment you experienced during that affair, and you're not certain you want that part of it again--but anything must be better than what you're feeling right now. I know ya can't believe me at the moment, but you're definitely gonna get through this.
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