CRUISE CONTROL
(Or, who do we have to sleep with to get OFF this
movie?)

BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.

Preface: This piece was inspired by the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes coupling. It addresses social issues concerning their relationship. It's outdated, but I feel its value is still salient, in light of their highly publicized divorce proceedings, and the controversial nature of their split.

What is it with celebrities these days? Tom Cruise not only made a fool of himself in relation to Brooke Shield’s post-partum depression (a topic about which he knows less than nothing, incidentally), but now he’s supposedly knocked-up Katie Holmes. Or has he?

Is this whole pregnancy thing just a media ploy to sell more movies, or is Tom trying to quell those (still) tenacious rumors about his being gay? Do we really even care? And what about Tom's proclamations about being sterile, when he and Kidman were adopting their children? Is my memory completely skewed on this?

I’m far from being a moralist, but the part of this Cruise/Holmes issue that troubles me most, is the message that’s being sent to our youth! Aren’t we struggling enough with teenage pregnancies and the spread of STD’s? Call me old fashioned, but I’m wondering just when and how it became fashionable to conceive and bear a child out of wedlock?!

Practically the entire world saw Tom jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch in what looked like a manic episode, while declaring his overwhelming love for (barely past adolescence) Katie, so what’s the hold-up with the wedding? Difficulty finding the right caterer? Afraid the paparazzi might show up and crash the party? I think not. (Do you suppose her dad owns a shotgun? Does celebrity status somehow dramatically alter a parent’s emotional response to his/her daughter being in this compromised position?)

I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but where is middle America when you need people with some good ol’ common sense to step in and adjust the Cruise Control, for a guy who’s obviously incapable of doing it for himself? Maybe at this juncture, even the bible belt is just too Bushed!

Nicole honey, if you have any doubts remaining in the aftermath of your split with Tom, I’m hoping it’s now abundantly clear that he did you a favor. This appears to be an unstable man with a fair amount of narcissism in his makeup, and anyone who isn’t a perfect reflection for him and his beliefs, must bear the consequences of his disappointment and rage. A partner so young and (as yet) not fully developed, is exactly the naïve and malleable vessel Cruise needs to fuel his public image and feed his grandiosity.

To be honest, I've always liked this guy--and frankly, I don’t care if he wants to sleep with giraffes! I’d still go to see his movies, ‘cause he’s watch-able and has some talent. But (please, God) don’t let him make any more of those personal appearances! Sadly, Tom keeps embarrassing his fans--and given the latest video that's being circulated (thanks to Nick Denton at Gawker), I'm starting to wonder who's tampering with the KoolAid at those Scientology meetings.