I was telling an old friend the other night, that we can ALL create exactly the love life we want and need. She's 75, and expressed a desire to have one more relationship before she dies.
I heard reluctance in her voice about bonding with someone again, because she'd long-feared having to give up important personal freedoms and priorities, to be "in love" again. This gal is a Giver, so the needs of others have ALWAYS preceded her own.
I of course, shared with her what I've written above. Too many think a love relationship must have a downside. This has never been MY experience, so I don't accept that it's true.
If you're desperate to BE with someone because you can't stand to be alone with You, you're gonna make too many compromises. You've gotta be willing to discern how truly compatible someone is, when it comes to the Big, Really Important things that define who YOU are.
If you don't respect who you are, and you think something's wrong with you for not being 'mainstream' with your values and desires, you'll give up WAY too much to be in a relationship with another. When it comes to "love," we have to find someone who's wired like WE are, or it's not gonna work out well. It's really just a matter of NOT settling for someone who's incompatible (just because the sex might be great).
I need a LOT of Shari time. I like my little routines and alone time, and don't wanna have to sacrifice or compromise in any way, what feels pleasurable and important to me. I don't wanna consider another's needs, wants or desires all the time, so living solo, suits me very well. I enjoy my own company. I'm my best friend and most staunch supporter. This factors greatly, into how much alone-time, I can appreciate and relish.
I could ONLY be with someone who truly likes themselves, and feels very similarly (do ya see how this works?). If I met someone I was crazy about and he felt the same about me, we'd share quality time to the extent we both wanted to, yet would happily maintain our separate residences.
Not everyone (if they're honest with themselves) is cut out for cohabitation, marriage or having children. It's just a shame that most people don't really KNOW themselves and what they need, when they're young~ so they enter a relationship with all kinds of fantasies of "happily ever-after," which have no basis in reality.
Seems I've known myself pretty well, since I was in my 20's. I sensed what might be a good fit with who I was, and what wouldn't be. I trusted my gut implicitly on this, even back then.
I believe that accepting ourselves fully and building a nourishing, friendly relationship bond with Self is THE most important factor in creating a happy and contented existence. If a romance or friendship fails to go the distance, at least ya can have ,pretty good time, hanging out with YOU.
I think of relationships this way: If WE are a well-baked, delicious cake that's moist and flavorful without any topping, a love affair is merely the frosting on our cake. Yes, it adds extra sweetness, but the cake isn't less scrumptious, when eaten without it.
If you haven't found a way to ENJOY your life without another in the picture, it's usually because your inner dialogue is critical, shaming and guilting, when you have some free time on your hands. NOBODY can have a good time, with an abusive partner!
If the abuse is coming from inside of You, it's CRUCIAL you engage specialized help to dismantle this reflex! You learned to be hard on yourself early in childhood, when your parents' neglect and abuse made you feel unlovable~ and ya haven't outgrown this opinion of yourself.
The bottom line here, is that if YOU don't think you're good enough, you will continually settle for partners who share that view of you. But IF by some miracle of fate you attach to someone who thinks more highly of you than you do yourself, you'll feel undeserving of their love, and push 'em away.
THIS my friends, is the Borderline's Crucible.