FORUM
LETTERS, Volume II
(Miscellaneous Archives)
www.GettinBetter.com
The following
letters were originally posted to my advice Forum.
I've archived some of them here, as I thought they might
still be relevant/useful to you. More specific topics can
be found on these links: Sex
& Love Forum -
Borderline Personality Forum -
Therapy
Mishaps Forum - Narcissistic
Personality Forum - Health
Matters Forum. You may click/explore these
pages now, or locate them later under Articles.
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Q.
Shari, is abandonment worse on kids, than living with parents
who aren't getting along?
A.
Leaving a marriage does not mean "abandoning"
your children. Any child who grows up with constant tension and
fighting between his parents, must survive living in a war zone!
This is grossly unfair to a child--but it's only the tip of this
iceberg. Children learn from example; mean-spirited/disrespectful
interplay between spouses becomes a child's definition
for what 'marriage' means. As an adult, he or she will unwittingly
choose partners with whom to replicate this familiar drama,
or may never marry at all. Seeing loving, caring interactions between
grown-ups is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, as
he/she will be looking forward to these pleasurable experiences
in adulthood--and have a sense of how to create them! This
dynamic may be achievable within a marriage, or it may not--but
staying for the "children's sake," is often more
about the parents' needs, than about the kids.
Q.
This is very difficult to express. My father has always said
that he loves his children "equally"--but it's never felt
that way. He and my brother spend more time together, and seem to
have a connection that I've never shared with my dad. I guess I've
come to terms with this over the years, but it's always been troubling
to me. My wife and I are expecting our second child in a few months,
and I don't ever want any kid of mine to experience
these feelings. Naturally, this issue is extremely hightened for
me right now, and I'm concerned about it. Is it possible to love
all your children the same?
A.
Whew! Thank you for bringing this important topic to light, as it's
seldom (if ever) discussed. You might love all your children "equally,"
but not the same. Parents always want to believe
they have identical levels of love for each of their kids--and in
an abstract sense, they might! But is it possible to love them all
the same? It's very doubtful, and here's why: We gravitate to people
with whom we feel a compatible resonance or vibration.
Essentially, the child who is more like us, is
the child with whom we're likely to forge a stronger bond. This
child usually reflects/mirrors what we consider to be our more desirable
attributes, and another may echo facets of ourselves that we've
disowned, or may prefer weren't a part of our nature! Contact
with this child might be less frequent, and the connection
often feels strained or superficial to both parties (therapeutic
support can help you narrow this chasm with your dad). The issue
of emotional resonance or attunement also shows up in our everyday
adult life; many of us have (thankfully) managed to form closer/deeper
attachments with friends than we have with our
siblings. The most loving thing you can gift your
child/children, is to try and embrace the fact that they are different
from you in various ways, and you will love each of them differently.
Our offspring aren't supposed to be carbon copies/clones of us (which
challenges our narcissism); if they were, we wouldn't learn more
about accepting/loving ourselves or them.
Q.
I have a book idea, and have written a couple of chapters. Over
the past several years, a few agents have been very encouraging,
and submitted my proposal to some publishing houses--but (so far)
nobody's offered me an advance on this project. I've almost given
up hope of being published. What do you recommend I do? "Discouraged"
A. Dear Discouraged, unknown authors are seldom (if ever) offered
advances, as they have no track record. Expecting a publisher to
buy a book that hasn't been written, is like betting money on a
racehorse that nobody's seen run! Putting it another way (and pardon
my chauvinism); would you give a pricey engagement
ring to a woman who makes explicit sexual promises, but won't go
to bed with you? Writers write. Creative
passion springs from the body's second chakra where reproduction
and sexuality are housed, and it's virtually irrepressible! The
outcome isn't as nourishing/satisfying as the expression
of this energy, which feeds your spirit. It sounds
as if you don't really want to write this book, or it might
have been completed by now. Are you looking for motivation
to commit the time and dedication it takes to actually do it? An
old friend, Peter McWilliams self-published all his books,
after encountering similar frustrations. Consider selling your book
online--or determine if your idea can be turned into a magazine
article or short story, and submit it to publications you think
will want to buy it. This can provide more immediate gratification,
and enhance your credibility. For my money, you've
been putting the cart before the horse. Keep writing (you'll gain
a whole lot in the process), and then sell your
finished product!
Q.
What the hell makes people just disappear?
A close friend of mine got involved with a woman about a year ago,
and it's like he's dropped off the planet! We don't talk anymore
unless I call--and even then, it seems our connection
isn't the same. This really sucks!!!
A.
This issue is extremely common, and I'm sorry you've
been hurt by it! A lot of people relate very differently to
their friendships, once a romance takes off. In essence, they become
tunnel-visioned, as each (new) love interest
takes center stage. Problem is, if/when something happens to that
relationship and they think of reconnecting with you,
they may find they've lost a good friend. What's typically behind
this 'disappearance' phenomenon is a level of arrested development,
which can thwart their ability to hold more than one meaningful
connection at a time. Young females are especially prone to being
with one "best friend" (intensely) for a period, and then
finding another who takes her place. This is very normal during
pre-adolescence, when we're experimenting with romantic
feelings within our (same sex) attachments, but we're supposed to
integrate the emotional skills gained
during this phase of our development, and outgrow it! Attachment
difficulties (in infancy/early childhood) may
spawn enmeshment
issues, which can derail healthy growth and impact
all our adult relationships. Hate to say it, but try finding new
friends who value you, and are capable of maintaining
their relationships!
Q.
Dear Shari, great article on kids and potential
personality disorders in parents; I think my relationship with my
son is stronger than the one he has with his mother. Of course,
I've got this nurturing thing. My mother died when I was 14 and
my father continued raising me and my brother, who was 9 at the
time. I learned a lot from that experience, but sometimes it gets
a bit troubling, in that I have difficulty saying "no"
to things (my son wants).
A.
In the aftermath
of divorce, competition between parents for the children's
affection is almost inevitable. A child usually senses this, and
may use it to manipulate them into catering to his whims; this alone,
could cause some of your difficulty. But in light of your
childhood experiences, there may be more significant reasons you
struggle with this issue. Losing your mother as you entered manhood,
could have had intricate emotional ramifications, and left you with
abandonment concerns. Within this context, the prospect of
"saying no" to your son might activate a subtle anxiety
that's not consciously held, but may influence your behavior
within relationships that are important to you. Children learn
to 'self-regulate' their impulsive urges, when adults set boundaries
and limits for them; they depend on us to provide this
structure, because they're incapable of doing it for themselves
(prior to healthy adult development). A child who feels
solid/secure in his emotional bond with his parent, can withstand
external frustrations (not having all his wants attended
to). The danger in not learning to do this for your boy,
is that it may spawn a narcissistic personality,
because it promotes a skewed sense of entitlement, and the 'currency
of Love' is converted to something other
than, authentic feelings of attachment. My analogy for females
who have difficulty separating their own
needs from their children's, might also be helpful to
you: When the 'mother ship' is sound, her passengers can
reach their destination intact.
Q.
Hi Shari, it never fails that I get depressed
around the holidays. I'm usually alone--but it seems no matter what
I do, this heaviness comes over me each year, and I don't begin
to recover until January's underway. Frankly, it's getting old.
Can you recommend anything that will shift this
around?
A.
Holidays are painful for many adults, not because we're missing
remembered pleasurable times with our families, but because
we've never really had these to begin with. When we perceive
that virtually everyone else is celebrating and spending
time with loved ones, it triggers feelings of shame, isolation and
mourning for emotionally rich/nourishing experiences we
missed out on as kids. Some people find relief
by giving to those less fortunate, like serving meals at a mission
or shelter, or visiting terminally sick children in a hospital.
Other's have done some inner healing (talk therapy) to dismantle
these automatic (depressive) reflexes, and like to plan
enjoyable activities for themselves; visiting museums, going to
movies, finding new or special places to hike, etc. Whatever method(s)
you choose, it's important to remember that what's driving
these holiday blues, began a long time ago. While there's not much
you can do about that, you can definitely start creating
some happier traditions
of your own.
Q.
Dear Shari, confrontation makes me extremely
uncomfortable. Whether I need to ask for something at work or express
myself in relationships, I avoid it any way I can. This difficulty
has caused me to leave jobs (prematurely) or distance myself from
valued friendships. I don't understand why this is so hard for me,
but it's always been this way. I've considered assertiveness training,
but I'm a little nervous about what's involved in that, and I'm
not sure it'll even be helpful. I tend to keep my feelings bottled
up, but I occasionally explode when something or someone pisses
me off--and often, my reactions seem more intense than what the
situation calls for. This makes me feel terrible (and guilty) afterward,
as I hate hurting other people's feelings. I also
worry that I'll be seen as some kind of 'monster' rather than the
nice guy I basically am. Can you help with this, or point me in
the right direction?
A.
Confrontation is difficult for everyone, unless you've
gained some tools (and insights) that help you relate to this issue
differently. You eventually "explode," because significant
feelings have been swept under the rug, the emotional
cost to you is cumulative, and (at some point) you just can't ignore
the tension this has built in you anymore! Think of it this way;
if a volcano doesn't let off a little steam now
and then, it's ultimately going to erupt with destructive force.
Major earthquakes are another example of cumulative pressure. As
a little boy you were likely made to feel that your
feelings didn't matter, and it wasn't safe (emotionally/physically)
for you to express yourself or try to get your needs met. It appears
you harshly judge your anger, but I think it's appropriate,
given this kind of early conditioning. Suppression, or "the
conscious intentional exclusion from consciousness of a thought
or feeling" (Merriam-Webster Dictionary) results in depression,
anxiety/panic issues,
passive-aggressive
behavior and/or addictions;
all of which undermine you and your relationships!
My experience in helping people overcome these obstacles is
extensive. Assertiveness training can be helpful, but the roots
of this problem go considerably deeper, as they're connected to
unresolved rage and entitlement issues (not feeling deserving/worthy).
Q.
Dear Shari, I read your "Throwaway
Dads"
article with a real sense of sympathy and understanding. I have
two daughters who are in the same position you
were, and I'm doing everything in my power to protect them. Their
mother has made all kinds of irrational charges, subjected them
to serious emotional abuse (I will never forget the pain I've seen
in my five year old daughter’s eyes) and deprived them of needed
medical attention as a divorce ploy. I believe the children’s mother
and maternal grandmother are mentally ill, but
my motto is; “It stops at the third generation.” The purpose of
this email is to inform you that in many places, the “fifties” still
exist. I think they exist in most of the United States, but they
certainly exist in the 380th District Court of Collin County, Texas.
A woman who makes a false charge against her husband will always
be given the children immediately. It is then up to the man to spend
several hundreds of thousands of dollars to disprove these charges
for six months. In the meantime, his kids are traumatized. Of course,
few men have the resources to pursue this indefinitely and consequently,
there is no telling how many children are condemned to a life of
abuse (by their mothers). What's most disheartening, is my inescapable
feeling that all judiciary parties know exactly what's going on,
yet continue this pattern for political and profit motives. Thank
you for a wonderful service.
A.
You're welcome, and thank you for sharing
your story, as I'm sure many fathers will (sadly) be able
to relate. Ironically, it's children who suffer most from
our archaic divorce laws, which are (supposedly) designed to "protect"
them. You have my sincerest wishes for a successful outcome!
Q.
My dog of 12 years has died, and I'm so sad I can barely stand
it. I'm crying a lot of the time and am having trouble eating, sleeping
and functioning at work. She's been gone for about three weeks and
I know I should be past some of this by now, but I just don't know
how I'm gonna get through it. My brother thinks I need to get a
girlfriend, friends keep urging me to get a puppy, but I don't think
I can handle either right now. SN
A. Dear SN, the loss of a loving, loyal companion after many years
can be devastating, and feel akin to losing a life partner. An emotional
bond is significant, whether it be to a human or an animal,
and many people attach to their pets in ways they've never been
able to attach to another person (animals love us unconditionally,
and are often more trustworthy). Sounds like your friends are well-meaning,
but cannot relate to the depth of this loss. It appears you're
suffering from acute, clinical depression. This kind of event
can trigger feelings that overtake us, making sensations of sadness
seem insurmountable. Memories
of other losses may surface during times like this, which
can make recovering from your present pain even more difficult.
It can be extremely helpful to talk with a professional who's able
to support you through this grieving process, and a temporary course
of antidepressant therapy can help you feel more functional during
this time. Go easy on yourself. Grieving takes as long as it takes,
and there's no "appropriate" time limit on it.
Q. Thank
you for writing about Bipolar
Disorder, as it has been very helpful to me! My 22 year
old daughter was diagnosed with this bipolar illness and the doctor
has decided to start her on Depakote. I would like to know more
about the natural way of healing--could you send me any additional
information on this? Do you know if this should be used along with
this drug she has started? I wonder why he did not suggest the other
options (with less side effects) you listed. Any advice you could
give would be very helpful.
A.
Glad you found this piece helpful. Doctors can have a limited repertoire
of knowledge/experience with mood stabilizers, and (unfortunately)
tend to keep prescribing the one(s) they're familiar with--sometimes,
to the detriment of their patients. Depakote is frequently prescribed
for Bipolar II symptomology (primarily depressive episodes) but
is one of the medications that may produce unfavorable side effects;
weight gain, lethargy, liver function impairment, etc. See how your
daughter responds to taking this drug for several days. If she feels
considerably better without any side effects, she can remain
on it longer. Bipolar II generally responds best when antidepressant
therapy is prescribed in conjunction with a mood stabilizer.
If your daughter has trouble tolerating Depakote, have her explore
other options (mentioned in my article) with her physician. It might
also be very helpful for you both to read my article about antidepressants.
Natural resources that may be helpful are already detailed in the
bipolar piece, and I'm still researching this domain. Combining
both should not be harmful, and may allow for an eventual
decrease in pharmaceutical intervention.
Q.
Hello, I wanted to get some tips on mood swings.
I have them, and sometimes I feel normal or happy, and sometimes
I feel very suicidal. So the doctors prescribed me Lithobid (Lithium).
Also, I suffer from severe depression since I attempted suicide.
It's thought that I have schizophrenia, but I believe they misdiagnosed
me. So please help me!! I'm taking schizophrenia medications that
I think I shouldn't be taking.
A. Your symptoms sound consistent with a Bipolar II
type mood disorder. Depressive episodes are sometimes attended by
"voices" which feel cruel or disparaging, and/or
urge you to harm yourself. This can be interpreted by doctors as
schizophrenic symptomology, and in some instances this
diagnosis is appropriate--but sometimes, it isn't. With Bipolar
II, hearing voices can be a fairly reliable marker/warning
for when you begin to spiral into a depressive episode. Adjusting/slightly
increasing your mood stabilizer and antidepressant for a day or
so in response to this, may avert an acute depressive cycle;
but check with your doctor on this! Since you "suffer from
severe depression" and you've not mentioned taking
an antidepressant
in conjunction with your mood stabilizer
(Lithium), I'm a bit surprised by your current drug regimen. Anti-psychotic
medications (for schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders) can
slow you down, make you drowsy and inhibit impetus or motivation,
which is why people have a hard time staying on them. Read about
Bipolar
Disorder for more info pertaining to your symptoms, and
various drugs used to alleviate them. Speak with your prescribing
physician about your feelings about his "Schizophrenia"
diagnosis, and ask him/her about antidepressant therapy. If you're
physician is not responsive to your concerns, find
a doctor who is! It's possible you may derive more benefit from
a different (milder) mood stabilizer taken more than once a day.
Lithium is generally prescribed when most other stabilizers have
failed to impact bipolar symptomology. Accurate diagnosis
and careful/consistent drug monitoring are essential
in helping you manage your symptoms, and feel better! Along
with balancing neurochemistry, therapeutic support that addresses
early trauma (core issues) is very helpful in dismantling
your depression.
Q. Hi
Shari, my cousin sent me a newspaper article about the threat of
diminishing my child's "creativity" in
reference to treating his ADHD with stimulant medication. Could
this material possibly be true? What do YOU think? "Concerned"
A. Dear Concerned, I disagree with this theory,
and think it's absurd! Beyond allowing for the possibility that
a child might be over-medicated or prescribed the wrong
drug for his system, I can't imagine creativity being "stifled"
by the use of stimulant therapy. In my opinion (personally
and professionally) the opposite is true, and there's tremendous
enhancement to be gained. Look at it this way; if your child has
exceptional creative talent, but he's incapable of harnessing the
impetus and focus he needs to express and demonstrate
this gift with any degree of predictability or consistency, how
can it benefit him? Perhaps my ADD
article will help to alleviate some of your concerns. I'm also including
the following letter, which was graciously sent from a visitor to
my site:
>>Dear Shari: Discovered your website, and clicking on
"Articles" I read your piece; INSIDE ATTENTION DEFICIT
DISORDER (No, you're not stupid, lazy or crazy!). I've heard of
ADD and halfheartedly tried to apply the malady to me. I concluded
that it was just another label for a form of aberrant behavior and
gave it little attention. Then recently, 60 Minutes
did a segment which caught my attention, and afterwards I clicked
on the Strattera website. It seemed that anyone
could meet the 4 out of 7 symptoms, so I concluded this was just
another way to sell drugs. However, after reading your
discussion on this topic, I actually sat down and wrote
about 4 pages chronicling my life as it pertains to that criteria,
from my head trauma as child, to the need to follow
especially adventurous assignments. I've learned to cope by following
an exercise and diet regimen--but have always been troubled to some
degree by my inability to maintain focus after the challenging
part of a project has been solved. Your discussion could have been
directed to me personally, and was "spot on" to
my behavior patterns. Thank you for that insightful coverage, I
may now even seek relief. I have no problem with you using my note
for any purpose that could benefit your dissemination of this information.
Frankly, you should contact the makers of Strattera
and suggest the use of your experience and knowledge to explain
this condition in a manner that actually enlightens those who suspect
they may have it. The information I read on their site did not suggest
that this issue was indeed a real medical condition.
It is amazing where you find information that can
have the biggest impact on your life. Again, thank you! Michael<<