HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?
The Borderline/Narcissist Couple
BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.
This article is for survivors of a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them. It is not intended for anyone with BPD traits! If you suspect you have borderline personality features, what follows could feel injurious to you! Please leave this site immediately and seek alternative web content that may be more congruent with your personal views and needs.
You've probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I'll try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity's sake, I discuss female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly be reversed, and may include same-sex unions--in fact, the prevalence of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within the gay community.
Relationship issues are universal--and homosexual men and women struggle with many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have never met a lesbian who didn't have major issues with her mother--but that's another article.
Many people who've contacted me for help are already aware of a distinct pattern of romantic attraction in their life. These relationship selections are utterly thrilling at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing--yet these patterns remain intact, despite self-promises to do it differently, "next time." The only way to explain this strange phenomenon, is to understand the basis for these unwise relational choices, and that's what this literature attempts to address.
It's critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality disordered individuals incurred nearly identical types of wounds to their developing sense of Self as infants and throughout childhood, and isn't it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that~ it feels as though you've found your 'soul mate.' There's a similar vibration or frequency you two share, due to primal (or infancy) wounds to your sense of Self in the first phase of your life outside your mom's womb. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you~ but the scars from that time remain, unless there's been serious core-focused intervention to help you repair your sense of worth and lovability.
Both Borderlines and Narcissists struggle with what I've coined, Bottomless Pit Syndrome or BPS. The codependent narcissist has become a super-giver to compensate for feelings of inadequacy, and never realizes when he's given enough. The Borderline has become a super-seducer and user, to validate and confirm their sense of worth. Neither can fill the ghastly hole in their soul with these measures~ but each will compulsively attempt to, until the day they die~ unless specialized professional help is engaged.
IDENTICAL INJURIES, DIFFERENT OUTCOMES
In my opinion, no emotionally available, self-respecting, healthy, whole person attaches him or herself to someone who is not. They're too dissimilar~ their respective vibrational frequencies would repel each other, and it simply wouldn't feel like a match! This is definitely a "birds of a feather flock together" kind of issue.
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