Is the vehicle we’re using, actually equipped to GET us there?

Therapeutically speaking, you can only get as healthy as the person who's treating you. If you had a poorly educated or not-so-bright professor in college, could you realistically expect to learn anything of real value from him or her? The same principle holds true in the therapy room.

For many, the psychotherapist's model of treatment is as follows: "If I can figure out how to help you surmount your long-standing pain, perhaps I can learn how to heal mine, as well."

The healer's model of treatment is as follows: "I have successfully resolved my own inner pain~ so I know precisely how to help you heal yours, as well." Sadly, we rarely see this outcome occurring in the psychotherapeutic world. Most people believe that if they just keep showing up for sessions week after week, month after month or year after year, they'll one day be well enough to leave treatment. But will they?

Is it really true that all roads lead to Mecca? And if they don't, why keep trusting the same interventions over and over again, expecting a different result?

I've said for decades now, that people with Borderline Personality Disorder traits comprise roughly 80% of our world's population (just look at our current political landscape, and you might agree). My client base has reflected this, and many have been licensed clinical psychologists. Most people with BPD features are never diagnosed, yet are unable to forge and maintain healthy, nourishing attachment bonds~ even to their children. 

Borderlines typically lack communication and conflict resolution skills. They hide or bypass their feelings, for fear of repercussion. Confrontation of any type spawns fear and dread in people with poor self worth, so they avoid it like the plague. Tension and anger continue to mount over the course of weeks or months and ultimately reach critical mass, which is when explosive outbursts can erupt with destructive force. I liken this to an inactive volcano. If it doesn't release a little steam from deep inside the earth's core occasionally, it can one day spew red-hot molten lava, and wipe out an entire township. 

Borderlines wrestle with emotional dysregulation. This renders them highly reactive, rather than responsive to setbacks or disappointments. Molehills are invariably turned into mountains during interplay with close others. The person who professed their eternal love to you just yesterday, could be throwing heavy objects at your head today~ or at the very least, shouting the most vile, highly abusive insults at you. 

The question that begs to be asked here, is: How willing are you to accommodate these behaviors in someone you've felt close to? And secondly, if you possessed a healthy sense of your own value, would you be wanting to? 

Like attracts like. Birds of a feather flock together. No emotionally sound individual remains in a relationship with someone who is not, because their vibrational frequencies are too dissimilar. It can't feel like a solid match. They simply don't fit.

It is said, psychotherapists routinely see their own unresolved issues within clients who enter their practice. I think there's a lotta truth to this. A healing and growth modality of treatment demands a client's full participation. It's not just about their therapist having to slay dragons or put out fires week to week. It's about what goes on in the quieter, calmer sessions~ because if we're always having to do damage control and crisis intervention (which BPD clients love, incidentally), what can fundamentally ever change within someone who lives with inner pain, and won't they be inclined to jump on and off the therapy 'merry-go-round' for the rest of their lives?? 

Authentic healers do not believe in nor promote long-term care. They have successfully navigated their share of turbulent seas, learned how to remain afloat and thrive, and have built their own little corner of Paradise. They feel fulfilled, content and joyful a good 85 - 90% of the time. They believe in and are proud of their quality of work. Their therapeutic bonds often feel nourishing and gratifying to both client and healer, for it's mutually understood that this is a collaborative experience~ a partnership, if you will. Simultaneously, solid re-parenting is an essential part of a healing modality for every client, or nobody would ever seek emotional assistance from a stranger! 

When two parties are committed to achieving a shared aim, something magical happens. We get to see this at work in the very best of marriages. Relationships must continue to grow and deepen or they stagnate and begin to die. If we cannot share our deepest and most authentic feelings, thoughts and fantasies with a mate, can they ever really know us? Can we know them~ or are we content to merely scratch the surface of this person we're sleeping beside, 'cause we were programmed in childhood to just go along to get along?!  

When we haven't come to know ourselves intimately, it's easy to hide-out from others. We feel no irrepressible need to share what's going on inside us, because we're not connected to our Self in ways that could feel nourishing, stimulating and meaningful.

People with personality disorder traits have disconnected/dissociated from a litany of emotions lifelong. If awareness of our own feelings is diffuse and/or extremely limited, how can we possibly reveal them to another? Getting up for this party, can feel somewhat difficult. Furthermore, if we're not absolutely certain (beyond a shadow of a doubt) we are lovable, aren't we taking an enormous risk to open up to another about what's really on our mind and in our heart??

If we don't take these risks with close others, might we be seen as unemotional and somewhat robotic? Might you have had parents like this? Were you ever able to feel close, and intimately bonded to them??

Under these conditions, the intimacy chasm between two people, grows wider and wider, until no bridge can reunite them. This is when couples seek 'therapy' to repair what's often irrevocably broken. Typically, 'couples therapists' hear from new clients when they've finally started having problems in the bedroom~ but this is merely a cumulative symptom of long-standing disconnection between the two that's reached critical mass.

Verbal omissions are as deadly to a relationship bond as lies are, because if you can't know where you stand with someone, it feels unsafe to commit your heart to them. A series of little emotional divorces are common among people who may stay together for decades, having resigned themselves to living without the depth of love they really want and need. 

It seems many make the same concessions in their therapeutic journey. They may want to get well and be happy (at least in the abstract), but they're resigned to "living with" Anxiety Disorder issues, Obsessive-Compulsive traits, social anxiety, various addictions, excess body weight, poor self-worth, and a litany of other issues that don't quite keep 'em miserable~ yet block 'em from ever reaching Mecca, just the same. 

  • Home
  • /
  • Blog
  • /
  • If “all roads lead to Mecca,” why do so few ever reach it?!