My father imparted little pearls of great wisdom to me. I think he worked hard to understand this world and his place in it, and gain as much knowledge as he needed, to reduce the chances he’d be negatively impacted by it. As his youngest daughter, this apple seems to have fallen directly under that tree.
My dad once said to me as a young adult, “a man marries a woman hoping she’ll never change~ but a woman marries a man, thinking of all the ways she wants to change him.” This stuck with me, as did all the other fatherly gems he shared, as I developed into the grown female for whom he often voiced his respect.
Children have a natural need to please their mother. After all, she’s the source of their nourishment, mirroring (for better or worse) and care. Little boys born to depressed or discontent mothers will try virtually anything, to bring a smile to their mommy’s face, and frequently grow up to be pathologically Codependent people-pleasers.
Understandably, the ‘pleasing Mother’ persuasion doesn’t end with childhood. Sadly enough, males never outgrow it without highly specialized help, because it forms the basis of their entire identity.
Every time I hear the phrase uttered, “Happy wife, happy life,” I feel a bit nauseas. I record and watch a TV show called, House-hunters International, and I’m painfully aware of how often the husband’s needs and priorities for finding a welcoming new domicile in a foreign land are minimized or overlooked, in favor of keeping “wifey” happy. Frankly, it routinely pisses me off.
Men seem to know instinctively, that if they assert for their own needs, it could be weeks or months, before they’re welcomed back into their marital bed~ and who wants to risk the absence of affection and/or sensual contact for that long? It appears to me that gals blackmail men into giving them precisely what they desire, by withholding vital supplies of care and love.
When did sex become the bargaining chit between men and women? Probably since time began~ but does that make it acceptable or right??
Dr. David Schnarch in his book, “Passionate Marriage” speaks to the sexual games that coupled people play. He directly addresses the withholding of sex and warmth we may experience with our mate, and gives the reader a clear, concise understanding of how to go about dismantling the unyielding partner’s ‘power play’ that brings intimacy (of any type) within a committed relationship bond to a screeching halt. It’s really quite brilliant, if you ask me~ in fact for many years, I’ve given this book as a wedding present to various clients and friends~ knowing full well, there’s a slim chance they’ll ever read it.
Most people don’t care about “an ounce of prevention.” They’ll go for the “pound of cure,” every single time, because they’re basically crisis oriented.
99% of the time, couples never seek counseling, until their mutual issues have piled up so high, the bedroom relationship has acutely suffered. That’s right, folks~ little hurts, disappointments and emotional betrayals are swept under the rug by both partners, and the intimacy chasm between the two just keeps broadening. Couples therapy by then, often fails to help partners glue the bond they once shared, back together. Every relatively adept couples clinician KNOWS this, but allows the two parties to believe that “treatment” will fix the problem, and restore their passionate interplay.
Fat chance. They dismissed the crucial importance of continuing to rediscover each other years before, so they’re essentially strangers now.
Suffice it to say, couples therapy doesn’t help ‘em. WHY? Because IF these folks were fully connected to their feelings and willing to communicate them openly and honestly as they’ve navigated life side by side, they wouldn’t need couples therapy in the first place!
I think millions of females have a hard time recognizing that men’s emotional needs are as great as their own. Has the ‘fairer sex’ been societally inculturated to believe this shit~ or is there some other reason why women feel over-entitled to always get their way, and their partner’s needs, be damned?
For decades, we’ve addressed the issue of women being objectified by men~ but doesn’t it work both ways? Haven’t women used men to gain higher social status or at the very least, secure their future financially? If males see females as sexual objects to be conquered, don’t just as many women regard men as a safety net or security blanket?
Ladies, the upshot of this little piece is to heighten your awareness that just because you were born with a vagina, it doesn’t give you the right to wield your sexuality like a weapon, and withhold closeness manipulate your lover into gratifying your whims and desires! Oh, he very much wants to please you~ but unless you’re a gal who has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits, you’ll be every bit as caring and concerned about responding to His needs and wants, as he is yours.
Men are human, too. They are not here to be used by you. They’re here to be loved.