Only if they have personality disorder traits~ and IF so, do you really wanna stick around and continue having to do it?

I’ve contended for a long time now, that emotionally whole people need no boundaries set for them. The reason is, they have an acute and healthy sense of their own personal boundaries along with a capacity to experience empathy (the ability to identify with and relate to your inner experiences, challenges and pain), and this organically and automatically prevents them from violating your boundaries.

When we feel a need to “lay down the law” with someone, or assert parameters and rules with ‘em (which seem like they should have had an innate sense of already), we are not dealing with a grownup~ but rather, someone whose emotional development was stunted when they were very young. Sadly, these people make up most of the human population.

Narcissists and Borderlines only respect boundaries in theory~ not in practice. This comes under the banner of somebody “talking the talk” rather than having any real capacity or willingness to walk it. People with NPD and BPD features SAY all the right things to assure you they’d “never take advantage of you or disregard your feelings and needs,” but no matter how many of these comforting assurances they give you, their behaviors repeatedly belie their words. This of course, highlights the issue of theory versus practice.

Sadly, it's not until we really start getting to know someone that we begin to notice inconsistencies between what they tell us, and how they behave. By this time we've usually made up our mind about the level of character and integrity another actually possesses. We want to like ‘em and trust ‘em, and so we do.

I’ve written in the past about the kind of disappointment that comes with watching someone we’ve liked, admired or felt close to, toppling off the pedestal we’ve placed them on. A mourning period for the person we thought they were, is inevitable while we internally regroup, rebalance, and find our emotional footing again.

This truly feels like a death of sorts, because our ‘super-human’ fantasy version of that individual, no longer exists. Perhaps it never should have, but many of us derived a degree of comfort from getting to model ourselves after an individual we can respect and trust, after growing up without the luxury of having suitable role models.

If someone disregards your boundaries, it’s definitely gonna be a feather-ruffling moment for you! First, comes the hurt of recognizing they lack respect for you and whatever process you’re engaged in together, then comes anger.

Anger is an extremely enlivening, activating, passionate, aggressive emotion. It’s almost impossible at times, resisting the temptation to impulsively act on it, when someone awakens anger within us. Often, it’s gotten catalyzed when our boundaries have been violated by another taking us for granted, disrespecting our time, continuing to owe us money we’ve loaned them, being only responsive to their needs and not ours, etc.

When you get the urge to teach, train, guide or correct another who has harmed or inconvenienced you, you are dealing with an immature, underdeveloped adult-sized child. Their interpersonal relationships encounter boundary-violating situations much of the time. They may feel outraged about these incidents~ but (per usual) like always attracts like, and birds of a feather flock together.

Boundary violators may be hyper-vigilant in guarding against their own space, privacy, feelings and needs being overlooked~ but never seem to notice the subtle ways they infringe on the needs of others. Imagine that~ and you have a pristine example of why genuine empathy is absent in people who are emotionally undercooked.

People with personality disorder traits don’t reflexively put themselves in Your shoes, because during the ages of 9 - 12, they never successfully navigated the bridge between being a narcissistic child concerned only with surviving in their family of origin, and learning to view life thru another’s eyes.

One who’s never faced these obstacles or has worked with a highly competent guide to surmount them, can evolve into a full-blown adult who’s fully capable of being circumspect, and relating to another’s feelings, inner-experiences and needs. In short, if we consider the principles of Transactional Analysis, your Inner Parent never has to engage the other’s Inner Child~ and wouldn’t that feel refreshing?!

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