Nobody wants to accept or admit, there are 'payoffs' for remaining emotionally impaired. Sometimes we unconsciously want to RETAIN our struggles, due to fearing an established relationship will not sustain our getting well, and feeling empowered.
This happens A LOT between impaired partners and their fixer/rescuer counterparts. When the struggling partner gains strength, it throws the relationship dynamic off-center.
We all make a secret pact with our significant other, whether he or she is a romantic involvement for us or a platonic one. There's an invisible CONTRACT we mutually agree upon, which caters to each partner's needs and desires. None of this is consciously negotiated or spoken about, incidentally~ but it exists just the same.
A TRULY empowered individual will never choose to join with someone who is not, and vice versa. It's simply not a vibrational match. Borderlines hook up with fixer/rescuers, because they NEED a relatively stable partner to steer the ship, and stabilize them. Codependents hook up with Borderlines, for the sense of power and control they gain, thru having to micro-manage the relationship and be in the one-up position, while embracing their "Responsible, Healthier One" role . . . . but are they REALLY the stronger party in this deal??
Like attracts like. We're comforted, when we meet someone whose issues or struggles seem greater than ours, and we believe we can fix what ails them. And isn't it so much easier to repair a concern, when it’s somebody else's, rather than ours? The problem is, those issues echo our own discarded /disowned sense of fragility and vulnerability, that we've carried lifelong (but denied), since early childhood.
An FBI episode I'd watched some time ago, perfectly illustrated one of its character's massive denial concerning his (very human) fragility. It was psychologically well-handled, and I felt that those less psychologically savvy watching it, might be able to absorb the message conveyed, and perhaps integrate it.
Every living, breathing creature is at times, vulnerable. Some of us grew up without the luxury of accommodating these less-than powerful facets within, because our very survival depended on not giving into them. We felt determined to become mighty, because we could only rely on ourselves for comfort, safety and protection. This persuasion in early childhood, sets us up to be non-needing individuals, highly capable of GIVING, but seriously compromised within the realm of RECEIVING.
The most powerful people on earth, respect their less-than mighty facets. They understand that every living, breathing organism is at times, vulnerable to injury or attack. This makes them considerably more cautious and careful, which means they're not inclined to put themselves in harm's way. These are the people who remain empowered.
Fragility and vulnerability don't define the whole of who we are. Think of them as just a couple of spokes in a wagon wheel that represents our myriad personality dimensions~ not the hub. If we reject or deny these 'spokes' or try to banish them from the essence of who we are in totality, our wagon wheel will eventually break down, and we could be stranded without the ability to reach our next aim~ because nobody can travel the distance of an entire lifetime, on a broken wagon wheel.