TO THE WOUND
Moving Beyond Your Borderline Break-up
By Shari Schreiber,
following material was written for individuals trying to recover
from a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them, and
is not intended as a support resourse
for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits. If you suspect that you
have these traits, please leave this website and redirect your attention
to alternative web content, which might feel more congruent
with your personal views and needs. Thank you.
might be licking fresh wounds in the aftermath of your BPD break-up,
or you may have somehow gotten beyond craving your Borderline at
this point. If that's true, and you're continuing to ache and obsess,
it's very likely you're beating yourself up for staying too long--or
getting involved at all. This is counterproductive, and stopping
it with effective new tools can be learned.
reality, it's been easier subjecting yourself to the Borderline's
abuse than hanging out with your own, because when you're beating-up
on yourself, you can't defend against your attacker! Basically,
you're pouring salt on open wounds that are still trying to heal.
How much sense does that make?!
'responsibility' for your predicament is only useful in hindsight,
so you can learn from mistakes you've made along the way, and not
repeat them. It is not useful while you're trying
to mend from any sort of upset or trauma! It keeps you from staying
with Your feelings, respecting them, and getting to the other side
of that struggle. Basically, your poor brain gets trapped in playing
both sides of that net, which doesn't work in tennis--or in
love. You learned this ridiculous habit in childhood or later--but
it surely doesn't serve you here! In fact, it suggests enmeshment,
which isn't healthy.
toughest part of having gotten tangled up with a borderline disordered
individual, is that they always leave you with toxic shame.
Borderlines have an uncanny ability to get you to open-up, be vulnerable
and trust them. You generally feel pretty safe at the beginning--which
may be because they're so frank with you, due to their lack of boundaries!
You think to yourself; "gee, if they're so revealing about
themselves, maybe it's okay for me to be, too." A
sincere person naturally inspires our trust--but the Borderline
can play-act at sincerity, and then drop you on your head without
remorse or conscience.
this relationship, you navigated exquisite ups and devastating downs.
If he or she acted lovingly, you started trusting that you were
lovable. When you were diminished, guilted or shamed for behaving
imperfectly (according to your lover), you felt undesirable, ashamed
and worthless. In short, you've allowed this guy or gal to micro-manage
your pleasure and pain--but giving that kind of power to somebody
else is not only foolish, it's dangerous.
sad reality is, you've probably been way too hard on yourself your
entire life--and that's what made you susceptible to this
person in the first place! You did not develop self-worth issues
during this affair--they were cultivated in you from a
really early age. It's critical for us to correct that, or you'll
be likely to repeat this painful experience over and over again,
no matter how savvy you've become about Borderline Personality
Disorder. It's either this, or you'll never trust yourself to love
anyone again--and that's just tragic.
isn't only about learning how to stop those endless negative tapes
in your head, which have fashioned you into a compulsive perfectionist.
It's about beginning to figure out who you really are (and
aren't), and starting to respect and like yourself,
so you can raise this relationship bar in the future. After all,
the better you feel about You, the more circumspect
and discerning you'll be about someone you let share your time,
affection and world. Think about it this way; when you're impoverished,
you might drive an old jalopy and feel grateful it runs and gets
you wherever you're going. As you acquire some success, you'll start
wanting a newer/hotter car, 'cause that's what you know you've earned,
and you deserve it!
it seems like I'm speaking a foreign language right now, especially
if you're presently self-medicating
with alcohol/drugs, food, over-work, fanatic gym workouts, etc.
Your whole life has been spent trying to run away from
these difficult feelings, and you've found very inventive ways to
do that: It's called addiction!
Incidentally, these negative, self-flagellating tapes running in
your head are the loudest and most destructive, in your 'quiet times.'
who love Borderlines usually have fixing/rescuing
compulsions, which forms the basis of their self-worth. Compulsively
giving to others helps them feel more worthy of love--but
Caregivers have a difficult time receiving.
personalities are 'busy-bodies' who've addictively kept themselves
running--despite sensations of tiredness, illness, injury,
etc. If your entire sense of identity is contingent on how well
you take care of everybody else, how is it ever possible to slow
down, and respond to your personal feelings and needs?
Busy-bodies are typically unable to distinguish between feelings
and thoughts. These folks are accustomed to thinking their
way through life, as opposed to feeling their way
along. Instincts and intuitions are discarded along with other vital
sensations, that function as our built-in survival guide. Their
absence can leave us frantically shooting in the dark, and settling
for non-fulfilling relationships, to flee dreadful emptiness that
feels worse than most types of pain. Caregivers addictively
are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing,
which was a learned response to abuse and/or neglect in
childhood. Perhaps they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but
continue beating-up on themselves for perceived imperfections.
It's imperative that you change this!
Borderline does a spectacular job of distracting you from these
thoughts and all the feelings that accompany them--because there
are no quiet times! This guy/gal's been an all-consuming,
full-time occupation--and there's zero opportunity
to connect with yourself. Even if you do, you're obsessing
about him/her--and your mind is imploding. In all likelihood, that's
going on right now, and not feeling, is
your payoff for over-analyzing all this. Are you able to
discern the difference between feelings and thoughts? I'll help
part of you that's rational and reasonably healthy, knows that nobody
is worth killing yourself over! If your best buddy related this
entire incident and the trauma he or she is still dragging around
about all this, you'd be shaking some sense into them, and telling
'em to snap out of it! Well my dear, you'd be able to do just that,
if this wasn't drudging up your childhood struggles.
am not in the therapy business--I'm in the healing
business. Typically, the BPD relationship is like a train
wreck waiting to happen. Deep, excruciating feelings that
are invoked during and after these involvements, parallel childhood
pain--and now is your opportunity to mend. This
isn't a process that's designed to give you insights. With some
work, you can finally gain a sense of inner peace and contentment
you may have been wanting your entire life. That's the stuff no
one can take away from you!
you have an iPhone, iPad or iPod this app will let you hear
here, to determine if you're in an abusive relationship!
MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME??
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