THE GOOD WIFE
Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?
BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.
This article is for survivors of a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them. It is not intended for anyone with BPD traits! If you suspect you have borderline personality features, what follows could feel injurious to you! Please leave this site immediately and seek alternative web content that may be more congruent with your personal views and needs.
Whether it's your husband or lover who has gotten involved with a borderline disordered female, you're in for some harrowing times. This issue becomes a monumentally stressful exercise for you both--but sadly, you'll generally end up feeling the brunt of it, not him. Why is this, you ask? Females roll up their sleeves and do whatever it takes to foster and maintain harmony in their relationships, because it's elemental. It's in our DNA. We literally can't help it.
If you're a male who's reading this piece, you must be willing to look at your own deficits which have drawn you to this type of female. They keep you addicted to the drama and chaos that's inherent within these relationships, so you might feel bored with any reasonably healthy gal who tries to love you.
There are so many layers to this emotional lasagna, it's hard for me to know just where to begin--but I've heard from so many of you gals mixed up with a guy who has a BPD ex, it's apparently a concern that can no longer be ignored.
You're madly in love with this man but unfortunately, his baggage won't fit in the overhead compartment, and you've begun sensing that this struggle with his ex won't resolve itself anytime soon. You're right about this incidentally, and it has you concerned~ but you believe that if you keep shoring him up, you'll get to the other side of this turmoil, and (finally) get all the good stuff you signed up for, and know you deserve.
I hate to rain on your parade dear--but by the time all this is said and done, you could be carrying around tons of resentment you've stuffed along the way, so as not to appear anything like his crazy ex! (And God knows, you've been warned about that by him, in numerous ways, both direct and subtle.) You start monitoring your emotions around him, and you begin losing little pieces of yourself along the way.
If this is a fairly new romance or marriage for you, your Honeymoon can easily become non-existent--a pitifully flimsy fantasy of what you'd anticipated it being, if it weren't for all this struggle that came with your "commitment." But you're The Good Wife, remember? You've come to understand how toxic and tormenting his last relationship was. You've listened to him go on about it for hours at a time--and tried to be a patient, nurturing bastion of support in his upside-down world. Who else could he lean on for all that?
I'm a no-nonsense kinda dame, so I'm gonna give it to you straight: No relationship is designed to withstand this kind of stress! The bottom line is, he can't be emotionally available to You, until he's resolved his issues with the ex, and gotten himself healthier with professional help.
Yes, I 'get' that you might have ventured into this deal eyes wide open--but that still doesn't mean you have to fight his battles for him! In truth, if your man didn't have substantial avoidant and passive traits in his personality, he'd have never gotten involved with that female, and remained as long as he did!
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