I believe wishful thinking intervenes in all friendship and romantic bonds. It often has us presuming that another will behave with the same level of caring, consideration, sensitivity and loyalty that We do.

How many times have we felt painfully disappointed by someone we've had a long, enduring relationship with, and are finally having to confront significant limitations inherent in him or her, which make it feel emotionally unsafe to sustain the attachment~ at least, to the degree it has existed thus far?

This is one of those hard pills to swallow, friends. We've felt invested in a loving bond with another, and our connection has seemed mostly balanced and reciprocal~ until one day, it doesn't.

Perhaps we can look back on one or two other occasions where they stepped on our toes, and we've worked up the courage to say "ouch" and express how we feel about that slight, because we've grown dedicated to honoring our emotions (all of 'em).

Our friend or lover has gotten defensive and reactive~ rather than responsive to our feelings. In short, they've demonstrated their insensitivity to us~ and adding insult to injury, they can't offer a sincere apology, 'cause they're incapable of feeling remorse.

This type of scenario is commonplace among people with personality disorder features, due to having lived their whole life with arrested emotional development. When it comes to addiction (which is a common byproduct of early emotional trauma), the public generally sees this issue as completely OPPOSITE of what it actually is.

Most believe that substance abuse or compulsive behaviors destroy one's life, creating interpersonal and professional obstacles, but this perspective is INVALID. The core trauma wounds one suffers during infancy and early childhood that actually spawn personality disorder traits, create such an unquenchable emptiness and unresolvable ache inside a person that they'll literally try ANYTHING to numb, manage, distract from and obliterate those sensations.

This is a chicken or egg sort of scenario. One's addiction is NEVER the problem~ it's only a symptom of acute pain that has existed lifelong. This pain DRIVES one's addictive impulses. Thus, treating the acting-out symptoms of addiction has never helped ANYONE heal!

There's an old saying that goes something like this~ a drunk asshole who gets sober, is still an asshole! We're talking about characterological deficits here. Core trauma CAUSES the need to numb inner pain or emptiness, and the ability to develop self-awareness, emotional integrity and empathy is derailed for the infant who missed out on nurturant care and compassion. We cannot GIVE what we've lacked, since we were newborns.

12-Step programs can be useful when you're attempting to separate yourself from your addiction of choice~ you know, that One intimate relationship you've come to rely on that dependably helped ya get thru the hard times?? But sadly, AA and other programs of its type cannot help ya grow emotionally, to where you can identify with and relate to another's feelings and needs, which is the quintessential definition of Empathy.

We've all had friends and lovers who were undercooked. Perhaps a tiny voice inside us warned, "love this person~ but don't let yourself get TOO close, because they can't meet you where You live." That voice alerted us, they don't have the same sensibilities, awareness and emotional growth under their belt that we do, and it's CRUCIAL to remember this, or you're gonna get yourself hurt.

If you're a Borderline, you don't have to be concerned about this stuff, because you have an internal governor on your emotions. It helps ya love someone ONLY up to a point that feels "safe." But if you're a whole, emotionally evolved, self-aware and loving man or woman, you're gonna get fucked-over one day, if ya don't keep this awareness in the forefront of your mind, so it can protect your heart.

Constitutionally, I've always been a passionate woman. It's just the way I'm constructed. My hatred is every bit as intense as my love is. Everything I do, I do with gusto and passion~ whether it's painting, sculpting, writing, gardening, cooking, or whatever.

Loving comes under this banner as well. If I love you, it's because I have deemed you as WORTHY of receiving my love, and returning it in equal measure. The affection I feel and offer you is fiercely loyal, protective, deep and abiding. You will never find a better, more caring friend than I.

If you injure me and I say "ouch," and you can't own that you may have made a mistake and offer sincere amends for the hurt you've caused, it becomes emotionally dangerous for me to remain close to you. This door has to shut on who I believed (perhaps wistfully) you were to me.

This isn't about casting blame or needing to guilt you for your error~ I have clearly SEEN your shortcomings and deficits. I'm just having to painfully recognize how my Wishful Thinking about who you are to me, made me want to ignore them.

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