I hate unfinished business. It sits like a small pot on the back of my stove and simmers indefinitely, if I never address it.

The reason this irks me so much, is because it subtly robs me of energy I could more effectively use in context of other personal pursuits. It nags at me from afar, no matter what else I'm giving my attention to.

It's the stuff never said to someone, that should have been. It's the healing of a relationship rupture that was never allowed by another. It's a hundred different aspects that come up in our interpersonal attachment efforts we either minimize because we feel no sense we'll be successful in addressing 'em, or we sever our bond with someone, because they have no capacity for real intimacy and meeting us where we live, since we've grown beyond them.

I've stepped away from a few really long-term relationships, because I lost trust and/or respect for someone with whom I'd once felt very close. It's not that I came around to hating 'em, it's that I'd merely outgrown them, and the signposts of this disparity between us were at last, impossible to ignore.

You can't MAKE someone truly love you, or care about your well-being as much as you do theirs. If you think you can, you're blowing smoke up your own ass, and still believing in fairytales.

We humans gravitate to each other out of mutual need. Even the Borderline who latches onto the pathological Codependent is balancing the scales, because one who compulsively gives, MUST find someone who's willing to accept from them, whatever's given. BOTH parties have needs, and each fulfills the needs of the pre-programmed ROLE the other is determined to maintain within their dynamic.

It's a Great Day, when you can finally look honestly at yourself and understand exactly why you constructed your most intense, painful and confounding relationship experience. You chose each other just as you were, out of mutual need. NOBODY is free of this disconcerting truth.

The masochistic, victim-like personality requires someone who's willing to inflict pain. They cannot feel that someone who's nurturing, loving and tender with them is a solid fit and echoes how they truly feel about themselves, because they GREW UP never having their needs for nurturance met, and defined those painful feelings of longing that were invoked, as "True Love." This is an unresolved maternal bonding issue that began in the first weeks of our life outside our mother's womb.

Some of these core-wounded people are very accomplished. They pride themselves for becoming SO strong and tough, they can hold-up under virtually ANY amount of abuse, and not be felled by it. Achieving a sense of invincibility has been their most fervent goal. We most acutely see this "mightier than thou" aspect among medical and psychological practitioners.

Can you relate to this? Are YOU a person who's gone thru life wearing a suit of armor to keep you upright and protect you from more pain, because you couldn't dare be vulnerable or have needs for attention and love, as a small child? Those early life experiences have set the stage for you being far more comfortable giving, than receiving care, kind or generous gestures from others, and in general, getting your emotional needs met by another. 

When we start to do the challenging work of getting well (with the right kind of help) we are able to shift our paradigm. We can step out of our well-worn comfort zone that has allowed us to maintain our caregiver and/or victim role, and perpetuate it~ no matter HOW much conscious attention and determination to "change," we give to it.

Foundational change is just that. It's about emotional development and healing that moves us out of the role we were programmed to accept as infants and small children. It helps us grow into our true empowerment and be afraid of nothing, because when you know who the fuck you REALLY are, you simultaneously know who the fuck you aren't, and you are totally accepting and at peace with ALL your exquisite facets~ both light and dark, and strong or fragile.

Don't worry about outgrowing someone you once loved or felt close to. It's supposed to happen, if you're utterly committed and determined to continue healing and evolving.

  • Home
  • /
  • Blog
  • /
  • Unfinished business and the magnificent element of authentic emotional growth