HOW TO TRAIN YOUR BORDERLINE
Crucial Strategies for Living with a BPD Partner
BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.
This literature is written for males who (for whatever reasons) are making a conscious, deliberate choice to maintain their relationship with a borderline disordered individual . . . and hoping to survive it.
If you're a female who has been diagnosed with BPD, or believe you're living with borderline personality traits, please exit this page immediately, as it is not intended for your consumption. These materials have been written solely for people trying to recover from tormenting, toxic relationships, and may feel injurious to you! Please seek alternative web content
which may be more congruent with your own views and needs.
For you Non's who are remaining, there is one inalienable truth you'll have to accept before proceeding: It is You who must be willing and able to change (not your Borderline) to alleviate some of the chaos and drama in your relationship. This task falls to you, because it's simpler for you to learn tools and strategies to navigate this treacherous course, than for your BPD partner to acquire enough emotional development to alter the painful, tormenting dynamic you share.
I am not suggesting by any stretch of the imagination, this will be easy for you! It's simply the more practical and sound choice, if you're going to stick with a Borderline for any protracted or undetermined period.
This isn't some magical fix, so the two of you can sail happily off into the sunset together! That's quite impossible to accomplish with a personality disordered individual. This article gives you a way to reduce some of the turmoil, drama and stress you've experienced in this crazy-making dance with your BPD lover or spouse, which means you'll have to learn some new tools.
It's important to understand that your emotions have been tampered with and manipulated from the very start of this relationship, and given that you are no doubt the child of a mother with BPD traits, this has been an especially challenging bond. You've grown up with someone impossible to please or cheer, and it has set the tone for every relationship experience you've encountered in your adult life. In short, what has felt "normal" during this difficult dance with your lover, is underscored by your earliest relational dynamic with Mom.
As the Borderline tells you about her past lovers and how they've disappointed her in the midst of your new romantic endeavor, she's (indirectly) warning you about how not to behave in order to keep her! Her stories are cloaked as 'intimacy,' so they inspire your compassion for her and disdain for those other men, and make you feel determined not to be anything like them! Most BPD individuals are pathological liars, but you'll feel no need (as a naive new suitor) to doubt or question the validity of these sympathy-invoking tales. . . you'll just feel highly motivated to make life better for her.
You might think that winning this girl over will be easy, for you're nothing like those "abusive, selfish" guys that came before you. You're likely a People Pleaser~ one of the 'good guys' who cherishes women, and wants to make them happy! Your wife or girlfriend's desires and needs always come first with you, and you're 'Johnny on the spot,' when it comes to taking charge or handling any problem or difficulty she encounters. It's critical to start accepting that you were groomed for this type of romantic choice during childhood.
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