quickies for expanding your emotional intelligence
BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.
This page contains various strategies, personal beliefs and odds n' ends that may help you think about things a little differently, and get a better handle on Life. Many are Schreiber-isms, and some are borrowed from others' wisdom. Perhaps a few are universal truths, and if any of them stick with you and enhance your journey a bit, so much the better.
A better World begins with a healthier, happier You.
Healing isn't about "processing" your feelings--it's about Honoring them.
You cannot resolve a problem with the same consciousness that created it. Learn, Heal and Grow.
If the meek shall inherit the earth, it's only because the rest of us have worked our asses off to make it a habitable place.
You are reflexively attracted to people who match your level of emotional development. If you're bitching about your spouse or lover, you'd better take a deeper look at yourself.
I once met a man who decided to change his life. He began forcing himself to do the things he didn't like to do; exercising, performing various life tasks, accepting different types of work, etc.
He told me that as time went by, he surprisingly stopped disliking those activities, they became easier/more enjoyable, he built far more self-respect and (at last) thrived. I've never forgotten that. I believe it's important to become proficient at surviving, perhaps through taking-on work we don't necessarily relish (despite our Ego), before we're ready or able to begin Thriving.
I'm bothered that too many female and male therapists try to feminize men, and don't honor/respect the quintessential differences between females and males. They appear to disregard the masculine archetype, while urging men toward greater sensitivity. This clinical subjectivity is a dangerous misuse of power by those who fear the primal nature of males, and it's castrating. No healthy heterosexual gal wants a passive guy. Males are helped to grow into men here--not women.
So many people marry by default. They 'settle,' because they're afraid to be alone with themselves. Divorce is the antidote for disastrous choices.
There's an old saying; blood's thicker than water.
The trouble is, it can drown you just as easily.
As long as you're still breathing, it's not too late to start healing.
You don't marry someone who's like your opposite sex parent (boys their mother, or girls their father). You marry someone who's like the parent with whom you had the most troubling issues.
When you say "no thanks" to something (or someone) that's not a good fit for you, you're saying "yes please" to something better up ahead.
It's amusing to me that some Borderlines angrily refute information that doesn't precisely describe them, rather than allowing that it describes manywith BPD, and feeling relieved they're the exceptions.
Fear of change keeps people stuck in self-sabotaging behaviors and thought patterns. Pretend you're raising your kid, better than your parents did--and guide your Self toward healthier, more productive choices.
PsychSavant Shari Schreiber M.A.
Those who emulate you either admire or envy you. Those who admire, give you credit. Those who envy, steal what's yours and call it theirs.
We're each born with innate talents. Mine, is understanding human nature to extent I can write about it, and help people heal. Talent always comes naturally, like breathing.
Don't undervalue your abilities, just because they're easy for you!
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Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency.
If you're making plans about dying, it's unlikely you're giving enough attention to fully living and thriving. The former is a dangerous mindset that affects your mental and physical well-being, and actually hastens your demise.
Finding a life partner is like buying a new car. When it's left to chance, fate, God or "The Universe," you don't really want one.
Infatuation isn't about falling in love with someone else... it's about falling in love with You, under the adoring gaze of another.
Success is nothing more than a series of choices you make every day, and the tiny actions you take that'll help you get closer to your aims.
People confuse desire with expectation. Desire, means "I want to." Expectation, means "I have to." Desire is about being in the moment and taking action. Expectation is about future-thinking and emotional investment in an outcome, which typically deters us from starting.
Marriage: A partnership of two individuals committed to enhancing each other's strengths, and balancing each other's weaknesses. A stronger, more highly functioning unit than only one, which thrives on mutual support and protection, and encourages/celebrates autonomous growth. Healthy marriage must continually work to solidify and enhance the marital bond, so partners may continue to grow alongside each other, and their union reflects these developmental changes. Intimacy that stops growing, has started dying.
Don't just "follow your bliss." Be prepared to track it down, and tenaciously pursue it! It's that important.
Childhood experiences always predict the nature of adult relationships; show me where you are, and I'll know where you've been.
Survivor's guilt can keep you trapped in self-sabotaging behaviors. Learn more about this issue here!
Knowledge is power--but power without knowledge, is a tragic waste of human potential.
When a parent dies, we might grieve more for what we never got--than for what we've actually lost.
For an addict, there's no such thing, as "one last time."
If your parents frequently remarked that you could do and be anything you wanted--but didn't teach you, guide you or nurture your talents and abilities, where did that leave you??
We set up our lives the way we need them to be. Have you ever asked yourself what you'd be doing and feeling, if you weren't spending all this time working?
To fully love takes courage. To accept love fully takes self-esteem.
Greed is the offspring of Fear and Desperation. Its emotional basis is; "there's never enough for me." If greed is what motivates you--at your core, you're insecure and disempowered.
Happiness means different things to different people. Make up your mind that you're going to achieve Happiness--whatever it takes to feel it.
Envy is fine, if it motivates you to achieve and accomplish more--but jealousyof someone else's success, will only make your own unattainable.
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. If you sense early-on in a relationship, that the person you're dating doesn't meet your needs (you're frowning more than smiling), move on--and find someone who does!
If there's nobody around to love you, does that mean to you that you're unlovable?
Until you clean up the mess in your own backyard, you have no business starting to work on someone else's.
'Occasional therapy' is insufficient to dismantle core issues that keep you stuck. It's very similar to a long-distance relationship; exciting and nourishing to some extent--but emotionally safe, and never growth or healing oriented.
If you could do everything perfectly and know all the answers to Life right now, what would there be to look forward to?
Good writers are born. Great writers are practiced.
Most of the time, right behavior follows right thinking--but every once in awhile, right thinking follows right behavior.
Everything you own, began with a seed of Desire. Anything is possible. Dream bigger dreams.
You can only put your past "behind you" when it's resolved--and no longer messing-up your present.
Given any personal or professional relationship, you've gotta know what your bottom line is--and when to walk away from the deal.
Love cannot be measured by the quantity of a connection--it can only be measured by quality of it. (Stop beating yourself up for not visiting frequently enough with Grandma.)
The meek may inherit the earth--but they won't become successful actors or notable celebrities. Fake it 'till you make it.
Keep trying to figure out what makes you tick, and you'll never suffer from boredom.
Self-respect is the only respect that really matters.
Have you ever noticed, that you'll somehow always manage to find some money to get the things you really want?
If your foundational belief is that everyone abandons you, you'll orchestrate your relationships in such a way, that you keep getting to be right about it; your payoff is prophesy fulfillment.
You can only become as healthy and whole as your therapist.
Your mind is a thinking organ. Your heart is a feeling organ. Healing, is a matter of the heart.
The greatest growth spurt can simply be, deciding that you're not gonna keep undermining yourself.
Wealth is the ability to buy something you want, without concern that it's not on sale.
People don't change, until what they've been doing doesn't work for them anymore--or they're in enough pain to redirect themselves.
Healthy people are whole people; their darker aspects are acknowledged, integrated and balanced with their lighter ones.
Security is never about having great monitary wealth. Security comes from knowing you can survive and create a good life for yourself, without it.
Try to accept that you're a Spiritual Being who's having human experiences, rather than a human being having Spiritual experiences.
There is no such thing as 'perfect' parenting. Only conscious parenting will help you raise a kid better than your parents did.
Emotional repression underlies all addiction; when you learn to honor, identify and experience your feelings, the need to numb or escape them, disappears.
Infatuation is the feeling of love for Yourself under the adoring gaze of another. Love is feelings of trust, admiration and respect for another's qualities, talents and character.
Commitment is an emotional issue, not a legal one.
Narcissistic fathers are always in competition with their adult sons; they're envious of their boys' achievements or successes, and repeatedly make them feel diminished/inferior. The only time a Narcissist can feel good about his offspring's accomplishments, is when he can take credit for them.
A job is when what you do, isn't who you are. A calling is when who you are, is what you do.
If you're not receiving enough attention, understanding or affection from your adult child, he/she could be echoing what they've learned from you.
There is no reward that serves you better in life, than self-discovery.
If you knew you only had a year left to live, would you be willing to love more deeply?
You'll very likely be attracted to someone who's similar to the parent with whom you had the most difficulty, and become like the parent for whom you felt the most sympathy.
The most critical distinction between lab rats and humans, is that when a rat gets to the end of a tunnel in his maze and finds no cheese, he always chooses a different tunnel.
There's a huge difference between being 'resigned' about childhood pain, and being resolved with it.
When someone says they have a "great sense of humor," it doesn't always mean they're funny--but they might be needing You to be.
If you notice a friend or associate treating others in a way that
makes you question their integrity, just know that you are not exempt; one day, they'll be doing the same to you!
LUCK is when intention meets opportunity.
Truth involves the congruency between words and actions. If someone's always telling you how successful, talented or confident they are, maybe there's a reason they're needing to convince you of it.
When your opinion of someone is higher than their opinion of themselves, they'll always be compelled to prove you wrong.
The relationship you've got, is the one you believe you deserve. Want something better? Work on raising your self-worth.
Everyone's got emotional baggage; the question is, what are you doing to unpack that trunk and put it away, so your lovers, friends and relatives don't have to keep tripping over it?
The most costly or painful life lessons are wake-up calls that prompt us to examine and reshape our behaviors, so try to learn and grow from them.
It doesn't matter how much you claim to "want" something; your subconscious mind always gets its way, and makes you act in ways that reflect your real desires.
Nobody can take advantage of you or treat you badly, unless you allow it.
One of the most important and indispensable jobs on this planet belongs to the man who picks up your weekly garbage . . . think about that!
If you're "sick 'n tired" of your life, maybe it's time to create a different one.
When someone constantly dimininishes you or treats you poorly, they're usually showing you how they were treated growing up.
Try to become the type of person you want to spend time with or attract. It'll be much more fun hanging out with Yourself.
On Life: Different fruit grows in different seasons; it may not all be as tasty as we'd like, but it's all nourishing to our development.
You cannot be honest with others, until you're honest with yourself.
Nobody is "happy all the time," and if they tell you they are, you shouldn't trust 'em! First, it's not humanly possible. Second, there's a whole lot of denial there. And third, Life throws us curve balls; if you've acquired some inner resources to dodge 'em, catch 'em or throw 'em back, you're doing just fine!
I once knew a man who believed that money was everything. He died surrounded by great material comfort and wealth, at 45.
If you choose not to deal with your feelings, your feelings will deal with you!
Humanity: Giving a nod and a smile to a homeless person. This carries a lot more weight, than your quarter.
You cannot know who you really are until you've figured out who you aren't.
Any decision that's motivated by fear, is one you'll end up regretting.
Humility: Offering a deeply felt, sincere apology to someone you've harmed or slighted, without being attached to an outcome other than, they've heard you.
Lose a Pound & Save a Life in less than 20 minutes; Donate Blood.
The only person you can truly "love unconditionally," is yourself! If you can manage that, you'll be far better equipped to Love someone else.
Men don't fear commitment, they fear engulfment; "I'm afraid that if I get too close to you, I'll have to give up too much of me!" This issue has its roots in childhood, and is common among men raised by narcissistic mothers who are either enmeshed/overly attached (smothering) or controlling & critical.
If you're not in touch with your own feelings and needs, how in the world can you be responsive to someone else's?
When your heroes or mentors begin to topple off their pedestals, maybe it's because you're finally able to embrace your own brilliance. (Congratulations!)
How you do anything, is how you do everything.
If you wanna know what you want, look around at what you have. Painful,negative experiences are far easier to replicate than positive ones, because on some level, they're familiar to us (we already have that roadmap).
"Happiness" is an inside job that's incrementally acquired. Effort is involved in achieving it (you don't just wake up with it one day); that's why it's called, 'the pursuit of . . .'
The opposite of love is not hate . . . it's indifference.
When you're spending time with an individual who consistently makes you question yourself or feel off-center and crazy, you might be involved with someone who (on some level) is!
From the moment you're born and throughout your childhood, it's your parent's job to be responsive to your needs--not the other way around!
Experience is the best teacher, but only a fool will have no other (try to learn from other people's mistakes).
If you're truly emotionally available, you won't be inclined to build or maintain a relationship with someone who isn't.
"It takes two to tango." You cannot enhance or repair a relationship if only one of you is willing; the other has to meet you halfway, or there will be no resolution or growth.
Nobody (not even your parents) has the right to demand your respect! Respect is a natural outgrowth of trust and admiration, which must be earned.
It's impossible to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.
Be mindful of how you exit a relationship. It's typically what someone remembers most about you!
"Perfection" is a subjective state of mind; what's 'perfect' in your mind is different from what's 'perfect' for each of your friends, so is it reallyunattainable?
ICE is my acronym for Integrity, Courage & Emotional responsibility. Remember ICE for healthier relationships with others, as well with as with yourself... from article; WHO'S DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK? Deconstructing Passive Aggression.
Integrity means walking your talk--especially when it's the most difficult or awkward to do. (If this stuff were easy, everybody'd be doing it!)
Courage means knowing yourself well enough to accept and embrace your insecurities and shortcomings as well as your strengths, and risking thatsomeone who could really matter to you, will too.
Emotional responsibility means behaving with conscious intent in consideration of another's well-being (not just yours) and respecting them enough to send clear signals--not mixed ones.
You cannot get to forgiveness until you're willing to get to, and go through anger. If this were untrue, what would there be to "forgive?"
A healthy relationship means being equally comfortable giving and receiving. If it gives you joy and satisfaction to give to others, why would you want to deprive them of this experience? Even the tide of the ocean routinely goes out to sea, but it must come back to shore, or we'd have no beaches.
For women, on love and sex: use caution when bestowing qualities or attributes to someone just because he makes you happy in bed: No matterhow you slice it, you can't make a fruit salad out of a banana!
For men, on love and sex: women like sex as much as you do, and they're far more inclined to respect and trust you, if you're straight with 'em! If you're attracted to someone--but not feeling ready for something more serious, saythat before you get to the bedroom! Women learn to distrust (and sometimes, despise) men, when they've felt deceived or betrayed.
Most of us hate standing in lines. Post offices, banks, retail establishments and supermarkets know you're a captive audience, and tend to take advantage of this. It's perfectly fine to assert yourself and loudly request; "Can we PLEASE get another checkstand/window opened?!" You'll be amazed at how often this brings about instantaneous, positive results!
Nobody's comfortable with confrontation; even the word brings up negative associations/connotations. Confrontation is not a bad thing--it simply means asking someone to respond to your needs/desires (many of us were trained as children, to ignore these). Unlearning this tendency, means you'll gain far more satisfaction and joy out of life!
Never get involved with someone who has more problems than you!
Men who 'rescue' women have been programmed to derive their sense of empowerment and self-worth this way, but authentic self-esteem is notdependent on needing to be needed!
Women who rescue men or "choose down" are terrified of abandonment, and perpetuate their own internal myth; "if he needs me, he'll never leave." But men always leave their mommies (or rebel against them), it's a developmental imperative! Males who don't, emotionally remain little boys who cannot respond to the fundamental needs of an adult female.
Wouldn't it be marvelous if candidates running for public office were forbidden to infringe on your privacy and peace with all those automated campaign calls to your home and/or office? Save yourself some grief by unlisting your home phone, and listing only your office phone with credit card companies (and anyone else, for that matter). Automated systems and telemarketers generally call at night when they think you're home, and disconnect when they don't get a 'live' response.
"Nice guys finish last," because the lighter aspects of their personality are the only ones they feel comfortable/safe expressing. This comes across as one-dimensional, inauthentic and predictable/boring (it's like being with half a person). Men who are well-integrated and whole, understand that it's acceptable and healthy to operate from a full repertoire of feelings, emotional expressions and responses.
Only a female who has an early template in her life for some kind of abuse and/or neglect, wants a "bad boy."
"It's far better to need someone because you love him/her, rather than the other way around." (Thanks, Daddy.)
Women have larger pathways (connective tissue) between the left and right lobes of their brains. This enables them to think and feel simultaneously, which occurs as naturally as breathing! Men aren't as facile with this, and tend to think OR feel at any given time, which puts them at a disadvantage during intensely emotional episodes (like arguments)! Therefore, it's crucial to understand that during extreme sexual pleasure, a woman's mind can automatically be thinking; "how can I secure this on a permanent basis?" but a man's mind can shift to work issues within moments after sexual climax. What this means is, she could already be thinking ahead to the wedding, but hispleasurable feelings might not be revisited/thought about for up to a week or more later, prompting him to set up another date!
Your relationship with Yourself is the most important one you'll ever form or maintain. It may be hard for you to be 'alone' if you can't tolerate your owncompany, but the compromises/sacrifices you make just to be with someone else, may not be worth the toll it takes on you.
For women: if he doesn't call again, do not assume it's because he finds you lacking. It may mean he doesn't think he'll measure up, and you should find someone more confident.
For men: nearly every heterosexual woman leaves her house in the morning with a secret wish that an appealing man will notice her, and start a conversation. It validates that we're alluring/attractive, and makes our day (and sometimes, our whole week)! Offer a sincere compliment, and notice how it lights us up (and creates opportunity for more contact).
Wouldn't it be terrific if jury duty were set up on a volunteer basis? Seems to me, people who want to serve, could join a recruitment pool and receive (as incentive) a decent stipend for their time. I imagine that retired individuals, students and many others might gladly volunteer, if allowances were made to accommodate their schedules and geographical convenience. Should jury duty continue to be mandatory, and punishable (for non-compliance) by fines and imprisonment? Doesn't this fly in the face of our Constitutional Rights? We abolished the draft years ago and plenty of people still join our armed forces, don't they? Well, don't they???
This page may continue to expand. Tell your friends about it and stay curious, act consciously--and most important, be good to Yourself (first)!
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