The following material was written for individuals trying to recover from a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them, and is not intended as a support resource for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits. If you suspect that you have these traits, please leave this website and redirect your attention to alternative web content, which might feel more congruent with your personal views and needs.
You might be licking fresh wounds in the aftermath of your BPD break-up, or you may have somehow gotten beyond craving your Borderline at this point. If that's true, and you're continuing to ache and obsess, it's very likely you're beating yourself up for staying too long--or getting involved at all. This is counterproductive, and stopping it with effective new tools can be learned.
In reality, it's been easier subjecting yourself to the Borderline's abuse than hanging out with your own, because when you're beating-up on yourself, you can't defend against your attacker! Basically, you're pouring salt on open wounds that are still trying to heal. How much sense does that make?!
Taking 'responsibility' for your predicament is only useful in hindsight, so you can learn from mistakes you've made along the way, and not repeat them. It is not useful while you're trying to mend from any sort of upset or trauma! It keeps you from staying with Your feelings, respecting them, and getting to the other side of that struggle. Basically, your poor brain gets trapped in playing both sides of that net, which doesn't work in tennis--or in love. You learned this ridiculous habit in childhood or later--but it surely doesn't serve you here! In fact, it suggests enmeshment, which isn't healthy.
The toughest part of having gotten tangled up with a borderline disordered individual, is that they always leave you with toxic shame. Borderlines have an uncanny ability to get you to open-up, be vulnerable and trust them. You generally feel pretty safe at the beginning--which may be because they're so frank with you, due to their lack of boundaries! You think to yourself; "gee, if they're so revealing about themselves, maybe it's okay for me to be, too." A sincere person naturally inspires our trust--but the Borderline can play-act at sincerity, and then drop you on your head without remorse or conscience.
During this relationship, you navigated exquisite ups and devastating downs. If he or she acted lovingly, you started trusting that you were lovable. When you were diminished, guilted or shamed for behaving imperfectly (according to your lover), you felt undesirable, ashamed and worthless. In short, you've allowed this guy or gal to micro-manage your pleasure and pain--but giving that kind of power to somebody else is not only foolish, it's dangerous.
The sad reality is, you've probably been way too hard on yourself your entire life--and that's what made you susceptible to this person in the first place! You did not develop self-worth issues during this affair--they were cultivated in you from a really early age. It's critical for us to correct that, or you'll be likely to repeat this painful experience over and over again, no matter how savvy you've become about Borderline Personality Disorder. It's either this, or you'll never trust yourself to love anyone again--and that's just tragic.
Recovery isn't only about learning how to stop those endless negative tapes in your head, which have fashioned you into a compulsive perfectionist. It's about beginning to figure out who you really are (and aren't), and starting to respect and like yourself, so you can raise this relationship bar in the future. After all, the better you feel about You, the more circumspect and discerning you'll be about someone you let share your time, affection and world. Think about it this way; when you're impoverished, you might drive an old jalopy and feel grateful it runs and gets you wherever you're going. As you acquire some success, you'll start wanting a newer/hotter car, 'cause that's what you know you've earned, and you deserve it!
Maybe it seems like I'm speaking a foreign language right now, especially if you're presently self-medicating with alcohol/drugs, food, over-work, fanatic gym workouts, etc. Your whole life has been spent trying to run away from these difficult feelings, and you've found very inventive ways to do that: It's called addiction! Incidentally, these negative, self-flagellating tapes running in your head are the loudest and most destructive, in your 'quiet times.'
People who love Borderlines usually have fixing/rescuing compulsions, which forms the basis of their self-worth. Compulsively giving to others helps them feel more worthy of love--but Caregivers have a difficult time receiving.
Caregiver personalities are 'busy-bodies' who've addictively kept themselves running--despite sensations of tiredness, illness, injury, etc. If your entire sense of identity is contingent on how well you take care of everybody else, how is it ever possible to slow down, and respond to your personal feelings and needs? Busy-bodies are typically unable to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. These folks are accustomed to thinking their way through life, as opposed to feeling their way along. Instincts and intuitions are discarded along with other vital sensations, that function as our built-in survival guide. Their absence can leave us frantically shooting in the dark, and settling for non-fulfilling relationships, to flee dreadful emptiness that feels worse than most types of pain.
Caregivers compulsively choose codependent relationships. Codependents are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing, which was a learned response to abuse and/or neglect in childhood. Perhaps they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but continue beating-up on themselves for perceived imperfections. It's imperative that you change this!
The Borderline does a spectacular job of distracting you from these thoughts and all the feelings that accompany them--because there are no quiet times! This guy/gal's been an all-consuming, full-time occupation--and there's zero opportunity to connect with yourself. Even if you do, you're obsessing about him/her--and your mind is imploding. In all likelihood, that's going on right now, and not feeling, is your payoff for over-analyzing all this.
Are you able to discern the difference between feelings and thoughts? You can learn how to do this. The part of you that's rational and reasonably healthy, knows that nobody is worth killing yourself over! If your best buddy related this entire incident and the trauma he or she is still dragging around about all this, you'd be shaking some sense into them, and telling 'em to snap out of it! Well my dear, you'd be able to do just that, if this wasn't drudging up your childhood struggles. I am not in the therapy business--I'm in the healing business, and I can teach you how to heal yourself by using simple tutorials.
Typically, the BPD relationship is like a train wreck waiting to happen. Deep, excruciating feelings that are invoked during and after these involvements, parallel childhood pain--and now is your opportunity to mend. This isn't a process that's designed to give you insights. With some work, you can finally gain a sense of inner peace and contentment you may have been wanting your entire life. That's the stuff no one can take away from you!