THE MALE BORDERLINE
Surviving the Crash after your Crush
BY SHARI SCHREIBER, M.A.
This article was written for people trying to recover from a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them. It is not intended for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits! If you suspect that you have borderline disorder features, this material could feel injurious to you! Please leave this site and seek alternative web content, which may feel more congruent with your personal views and needs.
You'll be learning to recognize emotionally dangerous men here, and how to avoid them. There are very few females who haven't encountered a borderline disordered male at some point during their lifetime, whether he's been a fellow employee, a boss, a neighbor, or somebody from an online dating site--where there's an exceptionally high ratio of them. Just wanna get laid?? Stay right where you are. Seeking a healthy partnership? Stop fishing in contaminated ponds, and commit to doing the hard inner work it takes to heal and grow emotionally, so you can finally accept the love you really need.
I found it challenging to begin writing this piece, because the bulk of people who contacted me about their BPD relationships had been men. As time passed, I continued to get letters from females who said, "what about us~ why aren't you writing about our experiences with this type of personality??" That was the inspiration which ultimately spawned the body of literature you're about to read.
I was fortunate to have had only brief encounters with narcissistic or borderline disordered males. They stood out among my dating experiences, and definitely taught me what to avoid. When I began recalling and including those experiences in this piece, it finally flowed. As many more women began contacting me for help, their stories very closely echoed and confirmed what I'd already written, which gave extra weight and validity to this material.
Thankfully, I've been "lucky in love" ~or perhaps I was just very careful and discerning from the start. All my significant, lengthy relationships have been easy, harmonious and loving. These were the right men at the right time, and we enjoyed mutual admiration and respect. Whenever I met someone who felt a bit 'off' to me, I declined a second date. I'm sure that trusting my instincts saved me from a lot of heartache. Let this literature serve as a guide, that can help you learn to honor and trust yours.
This material attempts to explore and expose borderline personality features and narcissism in males as comprehensively as possible, so that you're able to learn why you're hurting so much, and start to heal and rebalance from your most painful and tormenting relationship experience. Browse the various sub-sections in this piece while you're visiting~ they describe the intricate aspects of personality disordered men and their behaviors within numerous situations during which you may have found yourself scratching your head in confusion, and struggling! Do not try to read this text cover to cover or all in one sitting, as it's extremely detailed and lengthy.
Narcissists are not always borderline disordered, because they lack psychotic traits~ but Borderlines are always narcissistic, as each lacks capacity for empathy. Can these issues be cured? Yes ~but it requires highly specialized unconventional care, and tenacious commitment by the client/patient to do some very courageous and difficult recovery work. It can be a lengthy process, so don't hold your breath.
I'm sometimes inundated with letters from irate BPD males who insist they have tremendous capacity for empathy, but they've likely confused this term with sympathy, and the two words by definition, are very different. Sympathy is the ability to feel sorry for another. Empathy is the capacity to relate and identify with another's pain, inner experiences and what they're thinking and feeling. When we've dissociated or disconnected from our own pain, there's no way we can relate to the pain someone else is experiencing!
It's not that there are actually more women than men with BPD, it's that we haven't historically identified the ways it manifests in males, as pathological. We might have climbed on-board with the 'male bashing' some women have promoted, and presumed this gender had innate deficits when they've behaved like "jerks," but what has often spawned our pejorative view of them, is aberrant behavior patterns in males with borderline traits. Does this help to rearrange your mental files??
You'll be learning here, about a litany of background elements that have typically had a powerful influence on the adult borderline disordered male, so you can start to understand and accept why your relationship could not work out well. I think that when the 'puzzle pieces' of a traumatic emotional event start to fall in place and our confusion subsides, our obsession with it can abate as well.
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