Like attracts like, and “birds of a feather flock together.”
I imagine by now, we’ve all heard stories of people who eat strict macrobiotic diets to avoid getting cancer. Maybe their mom or dad had it, and they’re terrified of contracting the disease. Every single waking minute of each day is devoted to eating pristinely, because it gives one a sense of comfort to feel “protected” against getting sick. Some of these people however, do manifest cancer in their body and die from it, despite herculean efforts made, to insure they never would.
This fact feels extremely disquieting to those of us who are ultra-responsible and responsive to maintaining vibrant, good health. “How can this possibly happen?” we ask ourselves. Aside from anomalies and the very real fact that there are exceptions to every rule and shit just happens, I wish I had solid, quantifiable answers for ya, but I don’t. I have however, formulated what I believe are some plausible theories, which may or may not resonate with you.
Theory #1: Whatever we give our time, focus and attention to, we create and attract to us. If we’re visualizing something every day (even when it’s something we DON’T want), we will manifest it. Visualize positive, abundant outcomes OR negative ones, the result is always the same. It’s just plain ol’ Metaphysical Law.
People with borderline personality traits are especially prone to having anxiety issues. They’ve fast-forwarded into the future and prepared for the worst their entire lives. Events in childhood programmed them to guard against surprise, shock and emotional devastation, when something distressing immediately followed stable, good feelings.
For many, routine, consistent disappointments and setbacks in childhood, conditioned them to distrust light, positive feelings. For these folks, the reflex to self-sabotage often gets triggered when they sense that life’s going too well. Specific self-defeating thoughts and behaviors quell anxious feelings (to manage the scary, amorphous monster waiting to rob them of their glee) until the next time good things happen, and uncomfortable feelings (like anxiety) are once again reactivated.
This is the most common anxiety trigger among millions, worldwide! It’s not difficult to dismantle and heal with the right education and tools, but few (if any) in the helping/healing professions have even the slightest clue about how to help someone overcome this issue.
Theory #2: Magical thinking is lovely, but it protects and saves us from nothing. Even the mightiest affirmations fail to be effective, if we can’t whole-heartedly believe them! Michael Losier’s, “Law of Attraction” is the ONLY book in this genre you should read, because he teaches how to counter the skeptical inner assumptions we have, that stand in the way of manifesting what we want.
The metaphysical plane is a mighty force. If we don’t ask for what we’re wanting in a way that’s wholly accepting and truthful for us, The Universe (or God or chance) can’t deliver it! Our doubts and fears also intrude on our ability to manifest what we desire. Example: “I really want a bright red Ferrari” followed by, “but I probably couldn’t afford the upkeep… and what if it gets stolen?” You can wish for this vehicle till you’re blue in the face~ but you’re never gonna get it.
When it comes to attraction and love, the same principle holds true~ but this is a far more intricate arena. If and when real genuine arrives, it comes so tightly wrapped in so much of our life history, psychology and emotional baggage, it’s like trying to open a blister pack! Forget about styrofoam or popcorn packing, you can barely get to the product, once it arrives!
Does this mean we don’t deserve it? No. It means most people lack a childhood frame of reference for what being truly adored and cherished, actually feels like, so they can’t recognize it when it lands on their doorstep! Add to this, a Borderline’s attraction to crisis, drama and chaos and attendant fears of serenity, calm and closeness, and you have a perfect storm brewing.
Many believe, “when I get emotionally healthy, I’ll stop attracting people who aren’t.” While there’s some logical, practical truth to this assumption, attraction is never a passive condition. We play an integral part in who is “attracted to us” as well as who attracts us. Unsavory, emotionally underdeveloped humans don’t magically vanish from our environment, just because we’ve done the hard work it takes to raise our vibrational frequency and become emotionally whole and well. To my mind, this assumption is tinged with a bit of magical or wishful thinking, which can prove disappointing and dangerous.
What I believe is more accurate, is once we are self-actualized, content and happy with our own company, we are no longer even remotely attracted to people who are unlike us~ no matter how many cross our path. My sense is, this is a more responsible, wholesome and empowered way to view ourselves in the world of dating and mating.
A former colleague and close friend years ago said to me, “Shari, the healthier you get, the better quality of partner you’ll attract.” It made sense to me at the time and I went with it for awhile but I’ve ultimately found this theory to be somewhat lacking. I’m guessing she gave similar advice to her clients~ which is perhaps why many stayed in treatment with her for decades (they never seemed “well enough” to risk leaving). When I lost respect for her in context of this issue, the deep attachment bond I’d felt with her for thirteen years, also evaporated.
What has been true for me, is that I’ve reached a state of contentment and joy, that no other person could ever supply for me. I have built an interactive, friendly, supportive, nourishing relationship bond with myself, to where I feel no need to be with another. I am the well-baked, moist and delicious cake that can be fully enjoyed without any toping or icing. I’ve raised my relationship bar during my growth and healing journey, to a height where few others can comfortably breathe the air.
Does the occasional man I encounter find me attractive and start a conversation? Sure, that still happens~ but I’m not hungry for it, nor am I looking for it. This gives me the ability to discern whether he possesses enough sound qualities to inspire my interest, or not. Have I met a few males I’ve been attracted to? Absolutely! In fact, one catalyzed erotic fantasies and delightful sensations of vibrancy and aliveness, I hadn’t experienced in many years, and I felt joyous about it!
True to form however, I always keep my ‘antennae’ constantly circling, and picking up on data. I pay really close attention to what someone says (and often, what they don’t say) to discern how sound and safe a potential romantic choice might be for me. I’ve never had a checklist, incidentally. I simply allow my senses to guild me, as to who might be solid relationship material (can they love fully?), and who isn’t.
Could I have satisfied my newly-awakened libidinal urges with this male? Sure! It woulda been a slam-dunk~ and don’t think for a moment, I didn’t consider it . . . but I saw some definite red flags with this guy, to where I couldn’t even consider keeping it simple and just getting laid.
Getting laid is easy for women. Getting the love we want and need requires a lot more time and vigilance, which is why my (soon to be published) next book, “THE MALE BORDERLINE~ Surviving the Crash after Your Crush” was written for gals who still think that “doing enough therapy” will magically protect them from “attracting” dangerous men.
The real inner work, is growing and healing to where you’re not even remotely attracted to uncertainty or danger (which has historically heightened your excitement and attraction to these dudes). A huge part of this capability is learning to recognize and pay close attention to the warning signs when they present, and having your head make these choices for you~ instead of your cunt.