Until we get the highly specialized help we need to dismantle and heal our Core Trauma wounds, our primal needs will ALWAYS take precedence over our adult needs. This is not a consciously held condition. It's simply an integral part of our human nature.
We settle for lovers who are good in bed and mirror us positively, even when there are glaring deficiencies we notice about them. We do this, because our primal needs of infancy and early childhood are being responded to and met~ and in a sense, nothing else matters as much to us besides the immediate gratification of these long yearned-for supplies.
When our primal needs (previously UNMET by mother) for warmth, holding, touch, adoration (and sex) are met by a lover, we feel we've finally arrived. We feel safe and at peace~ but sex and reliable, dependable love seldom come in the same package. Our practical adult needs for a financially responsible partner (for example) may be minimized by us, so we can keep getting our infancy needs for physical attention, met.
Females are notorious for confusing good sex with love, and aside from the powerful chemicals released into a gals brain and body during highly pleasurable sexual experiences, they've been subtly programmed since very young, to "save it (sex) for someone special." What this does, is it has women bestowing qualities to men they simply do not have, and metaphorically trying to make a fruit salad out of a banana, which never yields satisfying outcomes.
Unmet infancy or primal needs propel most people into unsustainable relationships. The "love-bombing" a Borderline drenches us with at the start of our relationship is too seductive to resist. Remember, we've been CRAVING this type of attention our entire life! Now, we're getting served a 12-course meal of it.
Under the Borderline's adoring gaze (in the beginning stages of our dance), we get to finally feel good enough and lovable. They give us this validation and confirmation, in spades! Who WOULDN'T fall for such a person?! The downside of course, is that as soon as we step-in fully to TRUSTING their declarations of love, they begin back-peddling, distancing, finding fault with us, and acting like a completely different person than we initially met and fell for.
How can we NOT think this sudden withdrawal of their adoration has nothing to do with Us? It's inevitable that we blame ourselves for having angered or disappointed our lover, because we GREW UP with experiences of this type with our mommy, and suffered a great deal, until she rebalanced a bit emotionally, and we were once again allowed to feel okay about ourselves, when she finally smiled at us.
A healthy coupling is one that allows us to make love with each other in ALL domains of our relationship. We connect and 'make love' in intimate and numerous ways OUTSIDE of the bedroom. We share a similar spiritual orientation, and can discuss aspects of how we each see ourselves in relation to the world, we can connect intellectually and enjoy robust debates, we relish cooking together or taking turns reading a book aloud to one another. We love taking long car rides together and appreciate taking in the scenery and nature. In essence, our relationship 'energy' is not solely funneled into what goes on between us in bed!
Our lovemaking extends far beyond the bedroom. We feel intimately connected within a wide range of activities, even if it's just snuggling on the sofa, watching a movie or series. Our attachment and feelings of closeness are disbursed throughout many domains of the relationship, and SEX is only one spoke in that entire wagon wheel.
What occurs with our partner between the sheets is merely an outgrowth of the love, closeness and connection we share with each other. It's a pleasurable, tasty side-dish in our relationship~ and not the main course.
Just a bit of Schreiber wisdom for ya this New Years eve morning. I hope it brings you a broader perspective on what a healthy, enduring love bond looks and feels like. God knows, we need it, don't we??