Just a reminder: When a friend is insensitive to your feelings and you let em know they've hurt you, but you get a defensive reply instead of a sincere apology, it's time to reassess the relationship.
Some people are so damaged, their narcissism gets in the way of relating to your feelings and experiences. In essence, they're short on Empathy. They may think they're big hearted or altruistic, but disconnection from their own emotions makes it impossible for em to connect with and be responsive to Yours.
This is the dangerous element inherent within interpersonal relationships with 98% of people who've dissociated from feeling their psychic and emotional pain with the use of various substances or addictive behaviors since they were very young.
It's lovely to think a "recovering addict" with many years of sobriety is safe to emotionally invest in, but they're not. These folks still lack a substantial amount of emotional development, and that deficit in them is gonna come around one day, and bite you on the ass.
The sad thing is, you cannot change these people. You cannot make them more sensitive to your needs and the pain they cause you, because they're defenses prevent em from accepting they may have made A Mistake with you, and offering sincere amends.
Ironically enough, these folks are VERY hard on themselves. You'd think that would make them ultra-sensitive to the hurt they cause you, but it has the opposite effect.
Unrealistic lifetime strivings to be WITHOUT fault, flaw and be perceived as "perfect" are driven by a deep sense of shame they've carried since infancy due to a mother who had little capacity to provide the kind of love they needed, and ALL children blame themselves for this deficit!
The traits I've described above are typical of those who are narcissistic. Narcissism springs from a deep well of insecurity and sense of inadequacy (regardless of how much one's accomplished), and drives grandiose compensatory behaviors (like Codependency) in an effort to make up for perceived deficits in the Self.
Lack of empathy is a key factor in Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders. When someone is dissociated from their OWN vulnerable or fragile feelings (which feel shameful and disgusting to em), they sure as hell can't appreciate or relate to Yours. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THIS IN ANOTHER~ not even the most skilled and gifted psychotherapists can, because they fail to offer emotional development work.
We all want to be seen, heard and intimately understood. You cannot experience this with a Narcissist or Borderline, because they're always projecting their own (limited) perceptions and feelings onto You. It never occurs to them, YOU might have a very different inner experience of a situation or event, than THEY do, and this is of course, their narcissism in action.
So, what do you do with a friendship that has these tragic flaws? You either decide to keep loving and engaging with that person, realizing there are severe limitations inherent in your bond, OR you distance yourself.
Your decision basically boils down to your personal pain threshold and sense of self-worth. If you have a high threshold for emotional pain, you'll stick around, wishing and hoping they might grow and eventually change, so that you can finally get Your needs met.
A relationship that doesn't feel emotionally reciprocal, is a tough one to endure. If you DO decide to remain engaged with a person like this, inherent in your choice is an entitlement issue.
Having 'Entitlement Issues' literally means, we don't feel deserving or worthy of RECEIVING what we need and want. This influences every aspect of our life, both personally AND professionally.
I'm an emotionally passionate woman. If I consider you worthy of my love, I love you deeply. I can be easily hurt due to this aspect in my nature, so I generally proceed with great caution when forming attachment bonds.
If/when I perceive I can no longer trust or respect you because you've trampled on my feelings too many times, the love I feel for you must take a sharp detour from the path it's been on. It's really just about self-preservation for me, which has been very central to my existence since I was a baby.
My threshold for pain is not high. My self-respect IS. If you treat me less lovingly or with less consideration for my feelings and needs than I treat you, there will inevitably come a time we'll have to part ways. In short, don't expect me to keep this door open. The next time you come knocking, be prepared for me not to let you inside.